1. Like a tiny man is busking in your uterus and has fashioned your fallopian tubes into guitar strings, so he can gently pluck them… constantly. Day and night. The same tunes, again and again.
2. Like someone’s replacing the cheese on their spag bol for your uterus and is ferociously grating it with all the strength they have because WHY NOT, EH.
3. Like some douchebag has snuck up on you and punched your uterus hard square in the face, then run away with plans to come back in approx. 10 minutes and do it again.
4. Like your P.E. teacher has decided that today’s dodgeball session will take place in your uterus and the whole school is playing.
5. Like an overenthusiastic orchestra conductor has mistaken your uterus for the Royal Albert Hall, is waving his arms incredibly dramatically, causing an absolute ruckus and EVERYTHING IS JUST A BIT TOO MUCH.
6. Like your uterus has gained actual sentience and is trying to claw its way out of your body for the great escape to freedom.
7. Like the douchebag from earlier has come back and given your fanny a bruised black eye. THROBBING. WHY THE THROBBING FANNY?!
8. Like it’s raining and the kids next door have decided to play Swingball in your uterus (instead of spending hours on YouTube like normal kids).
9. Like someone’s wringing out your uterus like a flannel.
10. Like your nan’s tied your fallopian tubes into a pretty little bow for her cat.
11. Like a Brownie group are camping in your uterus but have had too much sugar on their first night away from their families and are screaming, ‘KOOKABURRA SITS IN THE OLD GUM TREE’ while running around playing Tag and you’re just weeping.
12. Like your uterus is about to do a bungee jump and is shaking with nerves so much it might actually fall out.
13. Like someone is using your ovaries as stress balls.
14. Like you’ve got those really weird pins and needles in your foot where it’s super numb but if you try and move it a fraction then it suddenly vibrates and feels SO WEIRD.
No?? Just me?
Image: Hailey Hamilton