Despite using calendars and tracking apps, I’m not always absolutely sure when my menses is on the way. Sometimes it takes me by surprise. I’ll be out minding my own business and suddenly be aware of a… dampening.
You know, the curious, sticky sensation that makes you worry that not only has your period turned up by surprise, but it’s also making the sort of entrance that RuPaul might deem too flamboyant for Drag Race.
When that happens, here’s what’s going through my mind. And your mind. Probably.
1. Gosh, my bum feels sweaty! Maybe it’s these tights…
3. Oh no, oh no, oh no!
4. There must be PINTS of blood down there already. Enough to fill a milk bottle! Or a Coke bottle! How can I sneak out and deal with this?
5. Just going to check on the App store to see if there’s anything in teleportation.
6. They have an app that tells you, TO THE SECOND, when it’s going to stop raining, but not one that will magic me from my chair to the toilet. MODERN TECHNOLOGY IS POINTLESS.
7. When I get up, the force of the blood is going to lift me straight to the ceiling. Like I’m sitting on a bust fire hydrant. As if I’m starring in a remake of Do The Right Thing meets Carrie.
8. I’m wearing white pants. Why would I ever wear white pants? Why do I even own white pants?
9. I bet it’s all over my jeans.
10. I bet it’s over the chair.
11. How can I get period blood off a chair without anyone noticing? Will I have to break into the building at night with a tub of Vanish, and tights over my head?
12. I wonder if I can slide my hand under my bum and check how bad the damage is.
13. It’s got through! It’s happened! It’s… oh, it’s a bit of pink felt tip.
14. Maybe I could drop to my knees and silently roll across the floor, like an unseen ninja, and the force of my propelling body would stop the blood from gushing everywhere.
15. Or I’ll get stuck with my rear end in the air and give everyone a prolonged view of my blood-soaked crotch.
16. Can I slowly, slowly edge to the side of the room, and then scuttle out sideways like a crab? I think I can.
17. I don’t have any tampons on me. Or change for the machine. I could message someone when I’m there… but my phone has 8 per cent battery.
18. I guess I’ll just have to live in the toilet.
19. Right, up and clench, and clench. Channel the crab, the menstrual icon of the sea. You’re on a mission to the other side of the seabed, defending your pearls…. ah, no, that might be oysters.
20. This must be good for my bum, all the clenching. Maybe I’ll patent this technique as an exercise movement. I could be Instagram famous! The Period Power Workout!
21. Phew. Safe in the toilet. Now to face the mess, clean up, and… oh.
Just a sweaty bum after all, then.
Image: Kate Forster