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The 10 inevitable stages of revision

If you haven’t gone through these 10 stages during revision and exam season then you’re probably not revising properly.

ps. We reckon you’re somewhere around stage six. Why? No reason at all…

1. Announcing how on it you will be

It’s a good three months before your first exam and you are THINKING about revision. It is ON YOUR MIND. You have CONSIDERED it. What a feat. You think about all the time you have in front of you and the possibilities you have. This will be your year. You will be so organised. Disgustingly so. You tell the WhatsApp group, Insta-story it, and speak up during dinner to announce this new you.

2. Demanding a supplies trip

Obviously this ‘new you’ requires new supplies, so you tactically ask a parent for a lift to the nearest Paperchase/Tiger/WHSmith/Wilko/The Works. The world is at your fingertips and all you need is new coloured pens and a book of plain A3 paper. Maybe even some post-its, revision cards, and string. Who knows what the string’s for, but this new you will find a use.

3. Creating the most beautiful spreadsheet

Before you start revising, you need a revision timetable – so you open Excel. It takes a while, it’s never been opened before, but you get there. The slight flutter in your heart at all the cells makes your vision slightly blurry BUT IT’S JUST ALL THE EXCITEMENT. Right? You Google a revision timetable template and throw your subjects in, making sure you have adequate food and sleep time. NOT TOO MUCH, MIND. No slacking.

4. Staring at the most beautiful spreadsheet

It’s like having your newborn in your arms. So beautiful, so fresh, so hungry for your attention. You’ve done a cracking job with the colours and font choice and print off three copies. One for your room, one for the living room, and one for opposite the toilet so you can’t even poo without being reminded of all the stuff there is to be learned.

5. Ignoring the most beautiful spreadsheet

The revision timetable has been up for a good 10 days and you’ve already started ignoring it. You had the intentions of starting but things just… got in the way. TV, going out, sleeping. And sleeping is SO important. Like, so important. You just can’t miss that. You’ve spent a lot of time standing in front of the timetable with your hands on your hips and frowning though, so. That must be doing something.

6. Realising how distracted you can actually get

School has started banging on about how important these exams are and inspirational music plays as you walk into assembly. Your friends have started bailing on plans in favour of revision and your timetable has started gathering dust. So you sit down with your colours and start revising. And… it works, oh God. YOU’RE REVISING! LOOK AT YOU GO! So then you have to tweet about revising, and post a photo on Instagram, then you start scrolling and watching videos on Facebook of baby goats being silly and then it’s bedtime. Whoops.

7. Forming a revision group with pals

The lack of social life is starting to grate on you so you decide to be all American about it and form a study group. It’s nice weather now so you host the session and set out a rug and cushions in the garden, with snacks and drinks. Oh, and your revision stuff. The sun’s out and this is Britain so you all decide to appreciate it for a bit first. You deserve the rest, after all. Then suddenly two hours pass and the only revision you’ve done is recite the STI song you got shown in Sex Ed, and you haven’t got an exam on that. Balls.

8. Attending one revision sesh at school

Things could definitely be going more to plan. You’re fitting in revision here and there but the days are slipping by and you’re starting to get anxious. There’s only one thing for it. Going to a revision session after school, AT school. You’ll be that person. You turn up and there are about five people there, but it’s actually great. You get more attention than you do in class and can ask all the questions you have. You’ve learnt stuff. I mean, you should have already learnt the stuff and should just be going over it, BUT WHO CARES?!

9. Having a go at cramming

It’s the week before your first exam and the nerves have set in. Even though you’re predicted a good grade, you’re wondering if you’ll pass at all. So you try to crack the art of The Cram. You give your laptop/tablet/phone to a family member with strict instructions to not fall for your charm when you ask for them back in 10 minutes, and you spend a good four hours straight revising and necking coffee. When it hits 1am and your eyes are about to fall out your sockets, you look back at your handiwork and realise you can’t actually read your scribbly handwriting at this point, so. Good.

10. Praying to the Baby J

There’s only one thing for it. You turn to religion. You go to church, temple, wherever (take photos of the pretty building for your Insta) and pray to whoever’s listening. You’ll take anything right now. Any sign at all. You’d even welcome a bird crapping on your head for that good ol’ luck.

Then you walk into that exam, out of that exam, and realise you knew way more than you thought you did. You smashed it. BOOM.


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Image: Hailey Hamilton

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