12 things that will always happen in the process of applying suncream

You will apply it too late

This is, by any means, a piece of advice — you really shouldn’t do this — but if you’re anything like me, the moment SPF flits across your mind will be the moment someone says helpfully, “you’re looking a little bit red on your face, love. D’you want some cream?”

You will apply too little

Leaving four perfect little finger lines where you slapped it onto your back, moved your hand around a bit, then got distracted by a beach ball game.

You will apply too much

Leaving you wandering around like Casper the Friendly Ghost, holding out your sticky paws and asking “suncream anyone? Anyone for some some cream?” in attempt to literally palm the stuff off on your mates.

It will get on your favourite top

Leaving a greasy, blotchy, sunproof souvenir of Tenerife ’17 you neither wanted nor needed.

Someone will slip on it

Because it is, let’s face it, nigh on impossible to succeed in the thorough application of suncream without leaving a little oil slick around where you’ve creamed your feet.

The spray nozzle will clog up

Either it will spurt out in unexpected directions (probably into your eye), or it won’t spurt at all; it will just dribble feebly down the sides of the bottle. This means that in order to access the cream, you’ll have to open it — but you can’t do that because it’s too greasy, and you can’t wash it off because it’s waterproof suncream, so in the end you just have to resign to creaming up, splurty dribble by splurty dribble, until the sun goes behind a cloud and the whole sorry exercise comes to nought.

Somebody will have the smart remarkably stupid idea of writing their/their crushes initials in suncream on their chest

Not that this doesn’t work guys — it really does, and all too well — but the burning pain slash shame of having CF 4 PT tattooed across your torso will almost certainly outlive its comedic value.

It will get in your eyes

Think you’ve washed the bugger off? Well think again, maestro! Because you can bet your bottom Euro that the moment you go to scratch your eye will be the moment a searingly painful droplet of SPF 30 will appear out of nowhere and leave you in an unreasonable amount of pain.

You’ll be covered with sand

Sand on your hands, sand behind your knees, sand in your bikini, sand in your ears: where there’s suncream, there’s sand, just as where there are picnics, there are flying, stinging creatures. It’s just one of those things.

You’ll taste it

A faint, sour tang of SPF in every post-application mouthful or sip.

You’ll leave an oil slick in the pool when you dive in

Rendering it slightly less attractive for all other users, to whom you feel compelled to point out it’s suncream, not your own sweat and dirt. Then, when you get out, it gets out, running into your eyes/mouth again.

After the pool, you’ll have to re-apply it

And you’re back to #1 again. *face palm*

Image: Katie Edmunds

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