Thoughts you have when you’re buying new underwear

It’s amazing to think that only a few short years ago, you never cared about pants. You probs wore whatever your mum bought you in big cotton multipacks from M&S. But now – now, your eyes have been opened to the world of pants potential, the vast universe of knickerportunities out there for the choosing, and every wander through a department store lingerie department is a journey of self-exploration. Or at least, bum exploration.

Here are 19 thoughts you have when you’re picking out some new undies.

1. Ohhhhh Brazilian pants, those could be nice! Like my arse is forever dancing to samba music.

2. Do you think Brazilians call it a Brazilian cut or is that just their normal shape of underwear?

3. Oh my god, do they call knickers with a full bottom ‘British’?

4. Also, am I the only one that just gets a constant wedgie when I wear them? I have to reach into my bum crack legit every 10 minutes to extract them. It’s almost exercise.

5. And you have to be subtle about it, you can’t just go in and have a rummage around in broad daylight. No, no, you have to stand all awkwardly with your back to the wall and get in and out with military precision.

6. Kinda like when you pick the bottom of your nose super discreetly and then just flick it. I wonder where all that snot goes.

7. Gross. Still, probs won’t go for the Brazilian ones then.

8. Maybe I’ll get some novelty knickers? You know, ones with Superman on the front or something. They look super comfy and I’ll only wear them in an ironic way.

9. Actually, is it ironic? Or will I just look like I haven’t quite come to terms with going through puberty yet?

10. Maybe I’ll just leave the novelty knickers too.

11. Thongs? Oh please, it’s like dental floss for your arse crack and they cost the same price as regular underwear then they only use, like, a QUARTER of the fabric. NEXT.

12. Ohhh, these silk ones are pretty!

13. WHAT! £20 for a pair of knickers. Was this lace spun by golden worms that lived in castle somewhere in the South of France where each worm had their own room and they refused to eat anything other than leaves from the finest oak trees in all the land?!

14. This is absurd. People are absurd.

15. I’m just going to buy my regular knickers aren’t I? They’re the perfect mix of pretty and comfy, with a little bit of lace around the edge.

16. Oh ffs, they don’t even have those.

17. Right, that settles it. I’m getting the Superman pants. I am super.


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