You were BORN warmed up. You’ve got canned heat in your heels, groove in your heart and every move Beyonce’s ever performed in your repertoire. Here are the things that every dance fanatic knows to be true.
1. You are first on every dancefloor. Even at weddings. Occasionally ahead of the happy couple (it’s fine, you apologised).
2. As a result you spend a lot of time doing your patented ‘beckoning your mate onto the dancefloor’ dance.
3. Followed by your ‘dragging your mate onto the dancefloor against their will’ dance.
4. And sometimes the ‘just dancing AT them aggressively while they stay sitting down’ dance.
5. You see any large open space as an opportunity to fling yourself around. Your friend’s parents’ garage. The school hall after hours. Airport departure lounges. Shopping centres. The supermarket.
6. Especially supermarkets, actually. Something about the combination of bright lights and shiny floors makes every aisle feel like an invitation to discreetly practice your stag leaps.
7. You can throw shapes with a full drink in one hand and a sausage roll in the other, without losing a single drop/pastry flake.
8. Every year means a noise complaint from your neighbours when Strictly’s on. Meanwhile your mum still hasn’t forgiven you for everything that got broken when you tried to paso doble with the tablecloth.
9. Official dance routines just kind of go in by osmosis, then burst out of you unexpectedly. You have no memory of even learning the whole of Gangnam Style, but apparently it happened.
10. You and your sibling had an official routine before you’d even seen Ross and Monica’s version (and the lift at the end is 10 times more impressive).
11. You can turn anything into a signature move. The on-the-phone dance. The putting-your-hair-up dance. Your drinking-a-cup-of-tea-and-putting-your-socks-in-the-wash dance is a masterpiece of contemporary expression.
12. You’ve made friends with every DJ in town, but have been officially banned from communal party playlists after the ‘three solid hours of Beyonce’ saga.
13. The only time you’re missing from the dancefloor is when you’re standing under an air conditioning vent, fanning yourself with a folded up band flier.
14. You injured yourself twirling round a lamppost on the way home from seeing La La Land. The third time.
15. Put your hand down at any point on your bedroom carpet and you’ll find either a kirby grip or a rogue bun net.
16. You can’t walk down wide flights of stairs without practising your Broadway-style kick steps.
17. When it comes to exam stress, you know that GCSE revision is NOTHING compared to the fear you might have forgotten to pack your toe protectors for your Grade 5 ballet.
18. Your extended family sat through a ‘show’ choreographed by you every Christmas and Easter for about 10 years. Ok, 14.
19. Your biggest life ambition is to one day nail a jump split.
20. Despite it being written nearly 30 years before you were born, deep down you believe that Dancing Queen by Abba is somehow about you, and have told people this.
21. You regard your hair as a crucial prop. Stand back, everyone.