To tongue or not to tongue? That is the question…
1. It’s totally going to happen isn’t it? I mean, why else would we both have left the main party (especially when the pizzas are about to arrive) to go for a ‘nice refreshing walk’ around this garden?
2. I mean what are we, 70? What teenager turns down Domino’s in favour of a ‘bit of fresh air’?
3. And why did we both pick this ridiculously romantic cherry blossom tree to sit under? Eh? Even though this long grass could easily be hiding piles of dog poo.
4. Actually that IS a worry….
5. WHEVS, I am about to have my first ever kiss! Under a CHERRY BLOSSOM TREE! Am pretty much a Jane Austen character.
6. Not that they ever kiss, actually. So rubbish for them. Bet sometimes all they wanted was to snog each other’s faces off.
7. Well don’t worry, Lizzie Bennett. This one’s for you! And it’s going to be the most romantic-novel-worthy kiss anyone’s ever seen.
8. Oh god, I hope no one sees.
9. Unless I’ve completely got the wrong end of the snog stick and they don’t want to kiss me at all? I mean, maybe we really have come out here to enjoy the air.
10. But then why would we have stopped talking and just been smiling awkwardly at each other for the last three minutes? And why would they be staring at me like that?
11. OH CRAP HAVE I GOT A BOGEY.
12. Quick check: nope. All clear. And that was mega subtle bogey checking, too. Go me. Nailed it. Figuratively and literally.
13. So if it’s not bogey-related then this silent staring thing is clearly the beginnings of my first. Ever. Kiss. Eeeeeeee!
14. Um…. how does it start exactly? Do I just lean in and close my eyes and pout?
15. But then if they’re not into it I’ll just be left hanging there like some weird unconscious duck. And anyway, why can’t I make the fist move?
16. Nonononononononono I do NOT want to make the first move. What would I even do? Lunge at them? I may not know much about kissing but I know that THAT’S not cool.
17. Mmmm, maybe I could be like, “I’d really like to kiss you right now”…
18. Ugh no.
19. “I really like your lips”?
20. NOPE. You are not a stalker-slash-serial-killer.
22. WAIT! They’re doing the unconscious duck! They’re doing the unconscious duck! How long have they been doing that for?
23. Doesn’t matter! Don’t leave them hanging just KISS THEM you moron!
24. Oh god but what if I get it totally wrong?! What if I miss and kiss their chin or their nose or something? Is that… a thing? A sexy thing?
25. Ok. I’m going in.
26. Eyes open? Eyes closed? Eyes open? Eyes closed?!
27. And do I need to hold my breath, do we think? Can you kiss and breathe at the same time?
28. Better take an extra deep one, just in case.
29. Ok, Ok, they’ve been there for ages now, just go for it. Eyes closed, deep breath and…
30. NOSE CLASH! Noooooo! Kill me now.
31. Oh it’s ok, they’re laughing.
32. Laugh too, you idiot.
33. But now I’ve lost all my air! I am going to suffocate and die kissing! Although, not a bad way to go. In the grand scheme of things.
34. Oooh, they’ve got really soft lips. And they taste of Haribo. WHY did I go for the garlic bread over the Haribo at snack table? WHY?
35. Tbh if they don’t like garlic bread then they’re probably not worth kissing anyway.
36. Do I open my mouth? What if I accidentally drool on them? Or our teeth smash together?
37. Ok, they’re opening theirs. Better give this a go.
38. WOAH there with the tongue! Too much too much too much too- thank you! That’s better.
40. Much better.
41. What do I do with my hands? Maybe stroke their face? No, that is their eye. You’ve poked them right in the eye. Nice one.
42. I wonder what this looks like from the outside? I bet we look totally grown up and experienced. I bet they look gorgeous. Maybe I’ll just have a little peek. I mean, I really ought to take a mental picture of the person I had my first kiss with. Just open my eyes a crack. Just to –
43. GAHH! They’re looking right at me. Like a frog.
44. And good, now we’re just staring at each other.
45. This is SO. AWKWARD.
46. And you’re still looking.
47. You’ve been looking at them for basically about 45 minutes by now.
48. SHUT YOUR EYES. SHUT THEM. FOR THE LOVE OF BEYONCE, SHUT. THEM. NOW.
49. There you go. Just keep kissing. Just keep kissing. It’s all good.
50. Wow we’ve been kissing for aaaaaagggges now. How long do we need to carry on for it to count as a proper snog? Like, officially? I reckon at least 2 minutes. And I mean we must have done, what, one and a half minutes AT LEAST. Maybe I should do a countdown. 30. 29. 28
51. OK well now you’re just opening and closing your mouth in time with your inner counting.
52. Just enjoooy it.
53. But now I’m all red and spitty and… to be quite honest… my jaw’s getting tired. You know what? I think that’s enough to qualify as a proper first kiss. I’m out. Final peck, pulling away… eyes open.
54. And there we go! My first kiss! Completed! Tick!
55. I mean it wasn’t great and it was a bit weird and awks. But hey! It wasn’t that bad!
56. And appazza it only gets better with practice.
57. Practice, they say… Practice…
58. I’m going in again, aren’t I?
59. Yes, yes I am. Pizza can wait.