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5 handy lies to tell the “WHO DO YOU FANCY?” police

Sooner or later it happens to everyone. And then it happens again and again. One moment you’re sitting there just living life, you think you’re safe, and then someone asks it. Whoomp. The question bomb.

“WHO DO YOU FANCY?”

It’s an awkward question, and not one you always want to answer honestly.

Maybe you fancy the same person as your friend, and you don’t want them to know. Maybe the people asking can’t be trusted with the information. Maybe you don’t fancy anyone in the world right now, but you feel like you’re supposed to because everyone else does so you can’t admit it.

Whatever your reasons for hiding the truth, I am here to help. Here are some lies you can tell to wiggle out of the interrogation.

1. You’re already in a relationship… with someone who goes to a different school

It’s a classic for a reason. You can’t prove it’s true, and no one can prove it isn’t. It’s such an old lie that no one would ever use it in real life – and therein lies its genius. If it’s obviously the kind of lie no one would ever tell, no one will believe you’re really telling it. Boom.

2. Pick a name, any name

Close your eyes and point, and whoever you’re pointing at: that’s your crush. At least, as far as anyone else is concerned. Congrats, randomer over there! The new object of your fake affection. The more unlikely the person, the better – and if anyone comments, you get to take the moral high ground of knowing it doesn’t matter, because none of it is true.

3. It’s top secret classified information

You want to tell them, you really do, but you can’t because the person concerned is secretly a spy. Or you’re a spy. Or you’re both spies on opposite sides, and if anyone knew of your love, it would cause a War of the Spies. You are willing to pine in secret to avoid this, because you are so noble.

4. You have some pretty specific requirements for a potential crush, and you’re not sure anyone you know can fill them

They’ll need to be able to dance. And play the drums. And cook really good lasagne. And surf and do kung fu, and fly a small plane, and shoot lasers from the palms of their hands, and teleport. Why should you settle?

5. You’re saving yourself for Batman

Not Ben Affleck. Not Christian Bale. Not George Clooney or Val Kilmer or Michael Keaton or Adam West. Not Bruce Wayne. Batman. With the flash car, and the concerned and annoyed butler, with the cape, and the mask and the grappling hook. Only Batman will do.

Or Catwoman, obviously, if she’s more your bag.

@j9andlf

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