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7 New Year’s resolutions that need to go straight in the bin tbh

HOORAY, it’s January. New Year, new you and all of that stuff, right? Um no, absolutely wrong. If someone hasn’t already told you today, you’re absolutely brill just the way you are and you definitely don’t need to be making any promises to change things in the next 31 days, okay?

For some reason, the 1st of the month always brings the need for a resolution or two in most people, and all we can say is bring on January 3rd at about 11.05am when we will have all completely forgotten about them and gone back to normal life that involves less green juice and more chips.

So we’re here to say that it’s time we all just faced up to the cold, hard facts and admitted that New Year’s resolutions are a total load of rubbish that we really don’t need. Here are seven that you’ve probably made this year which need to just go straight in the bin tbh.

1. I will go to the gym every day

Unless you’ve got a flask of Polyjuice Potion lying around that’ll magically turn you into someone who genuinely loves and enjoys all things fitness, this almost certainly ain’t gonna happen, so don’t set yourself up for failure and disappointment.

Rock solid cheese grater abs and a perky, peach-shaped bum might seem appealing for all of about three seconds (before you set foot on the treadmill), but let’s be real. No one’s got time for a gym workout every single day when there’s important sofa sitting, snack eating and fun friend things to be done back at home.

How about instead we compromise and go for something realistic like ‘I’ll walk to school instead of getting the bus when I have time’ and ‘I’ll take the dog out for half an hour at the weekends’. Deal? Deal.

2. I will change the way I look

Eye Roll

WOAH WOAH WOAH. Nope, nah, nada, nuh uh honey and no no NO. The idea of suddenly sprouting fluffy white wings and transforming into a Victoria’s Secret angel overnight is probably on your mind thanks to the media endlessly bombarding us all with awful messages about body image after Christmas, but don’t let their terrible outlook affect how you feel about yourself.

This is an important announcement to let you know that all of those adverts, tagline and damaging, false messages are simply just trying to make money out of our insecurities. Your body is perfect, beautiful and strong just the way it is and you don’t need to change a thing.

3. I will get a boyfriend/girlfriend

Everyone around you spent Christmas seriously loved up, sharing those blankets with the sleeves in and sighing romantically at all the cute bits of The Holiday. Meanwhile, the only thing you were pulling was your own cracker. But hold up there, because vowing to find someone special this year is probably a bad plan. Tracking down a bf or gf isn’t something that you can just DO. You can’t head to Tesco and grab some loo roll, a packet of Maltesers and a long term relationship, unforch.

Forcing yourself to find someone/anyone just to avoid being single is never gonna end well. Instead, go with the flow, be open to meeting people, do more fun things and bump into new faces who share the same passions and interests that you do. If someone beautiful casually wanders into your life and happens to slot into it perfectly, then wahey. If not, meh, your BFFs are better anyway.

4. I will eat healthily

For more sassy attitude towards this whole idea of feeling the pressure to be super healthy in January, check back to Resolution Number 2. For some reason, the media tries to convince us after Christmas that only green leaves, pine nuts, dried dates and chicken slices are acceptable scoffing solutions, and you’re probably already promising to stop snacking and banish the Cookie Monster who lives quietly inside you for the rest of the year.

But honestly, what a load of BS. You don’t just suddenly stop craving delish stuff when you make a New Year’s resolution, and we all know that life is always better when you have a chocolate biscuit in hand. Remember, there’s NO SUCH THING as ‘clean eating’, ‘dirty food’, ‘guilty treats’ or ‘being naughty with that cake’. It’s all just food, and it’s all damn delicious. Listen to your body, eat intuitively and get all of your food groups in for a balanced, nutritious diet. Sorted.

5. I will not procrastinate on the internet anymore

Sure, your laptop has actually moulded to the shape of your thighs at this point and yep, you mostly communicate with your friends through Snapchat on a daily basis and hmm, memes do make up most of your vocabulary… But hey, 2018 is still totally gonna be the year that you spend less time online and more time getting on top of your revision, right?

Do we even need to tell you that this resolution probably needs to go straight in the bin, too? Don’t feel obliged to promise that you’ll spend less time doing something you ENJOY, just because it doesn’t seem like it’s productive. You’re allowed to have hobbies and interests and you don’t have to be a girl boss all of the time.

How about we go for a happy medium and say that we won’t procrastinate on the internet… until everything important has been ticked off the To Do list. That makes a whole lot more sense if you ask us.

6. I will be more organised

You might be constantly giving yourself stress headaches, watching your workload pile up around you, marvelling at how you ever manage to find anything in your floordrobe and genuinely wondering where you put the cat… But vowing to suddenly become more organised ain’t gonna solve any of life’s real problems, sister.

If anything, tidying just wastes a whole lot of time that could be spent doing something more useful or more fun, and we all know that the only thing you ever tick off a To Do list is ‘Make A To Do list’. Mess is a genuine art form and you never know what treasures you’ll unearth when you’re throwing your jeans across the room. So listen up, mum; no I WON’T be tidying my bedroom, this is me just expressing my inner creativity.

7. I will be more positive

Making a resolution to ‘be a happier person’ or ‘always try and be positive’ might sound like a good plan on paper, but sometimes there’s nothing worse than trying to ignore how you’re really feeling. Some days, there’s nothing for it but to have a good cry, complain about life and wrap yourself up in a giant duvet.

Rather than vowing to be one big ball of happy all at once, have a think about how you could take some teeny tiny steps towards feeling happy more often. Do more of what does make you happy, spend more time doing the things you enjoy, and surround yourself with the people who lift you up on the regular.

Most importantly, accept the fact that January isn’t a magical month that turns you into the perfect person overnight. It’s time to chill out and turn January from a mean machine of health, fitness and relentless drive into the time that we all start being a little bit kinder to ourselves.

Ditch the pressure of resolutions, accept yourself just the way you are, be kinder to yourself and strive for a little bit of self love instead. You never know what could be waiting just around the corner in 2018.

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