When I first had this idea of asking friends and followers for their funny sex talk stories, I thought I’d be inundated. It’d be GREAT. It’s be SO funny. I’d be gutted leaving some out because there would be SO MANY messages flooding my inbox…
WELL, apparently the sex talk is a myth, guys. Yep. You heard it here first. The sex talk is all a lie and only something that ever happens in American movies. Because when I asked people for their funny stories, most people came back saying they don’t have a story full stop. The sex talk didn’t happen. They were either left to get on with it by themselves or their parents/guardians were super open so there was never a dedicated ‘chat’. Sex was always an open conversation. And I bloody love that, and hope that that’s what I’ll be like with my kids! It just… isn’t helpful for this article, really, is it?
However, I should have guessed. I never got a sex talk either. I got a book thrown at me when I was about 10 that had a load of weird cartoons in and that was that. I never asked questions, I was never given answers. But to be fair, I knew a lot, maybe too much, about sex from school from about the age of seven.
Nevertheless I persisted, and eventually managed to unearth some proper gems of sex talk stories. I imagine these stories will be super rare one day and I’ll be able to sell them for millions of pounds. Enjoy.
“I was told that sex was a special hug between two people that made a lady pregnant. So when I was at a family party and a distant male relative tried to hug me, I jumped back and asked him, quite loudly, if he was trying to get me pregnant. Whoops.”
“I was given a book where every cartoon illustration had a cat and a dog in the background. A flaccid willy with the cat and dog, two people having sex with the cat and dog, a girl looking at her vagina with the cat and dog. IT WAS SO WEIRD.”
“My mum made a classic move and brought the sex talk up in the car on the way to Matalan, under the guise of it being a trip where I could buy whatever I wanted. She locked the doors and we were stuck in a traffic jam. The planets aligned. I was trapped. It was awful.”
“Oh I’ve always been way too open. A real TMI personified. When I first heard about sex, I went up to my dad and asked ALL THE QUESTIONS. He kept trying to palm me off to my mum. He ended up being the only person in the house when I started my period so he knew before anyone else, and I went on and on and on about it. All I remember my mum saying is, “Make sure you only have sex with someone you really WANT to have sex with, even if you don’t love them forever,” which was nice.”
“I ALSO got a book! Although, I wasn’t actually given it. I just found it amongst all my other books on my bookshelf one day. I was about 10 and knew most things already, and I wasn’t shy. I went straight up to my mum and asked when she put the book there. Apparently she didn’t. She had no idea what I was talking about. The mystery book just happened to appear there one day… suspicious…”
“My mum saw a text on my phone saying, “I’ll bring the condoms round,” when I was 14. She told me if I was having sex then she’d rip my balls off and that was the last time sex was ever mentioned.”
“I remember finding the word ‘masturbation’ and really wanting to know what it meant. I wanted to be cool though and pretend that I already knew what it meant, so I went up to my dad and said, “Hey, so, I saw the word ‘masturbation’ in my Harry Potter book…” He choked on his tea and made a joke about wands.”
“I was one of those rare kids that had no idea what sex was until quite late. My parents are super conservative and never let me go to Sex Ed classes in school, never mind talking about it themselves! I found out in the end though. Who knows if my parents know I know yet…”
“My step-mum is a midwife and never held back in telling me and my younger sister from about the ages of 12 and 9 all the horror stories from work. I had nightmares.”
“My dad tried to have some sort of talk with me once when he found condoms in my room, but it was so awkward and obviously way too late by that point. I mean, I was clearly being safe. Although, I didn’t actually know what the different parts of my fanny were until I was 17. That’s tragic. LOOK AT YOUR FANNY IN THE MIRROR, PEOPLE. KNOW IT WELL.”
My mum found a cheap porn mag underneath my brother’s bed one day (I know, who buys magazines anymore?!). After school she picked up my three brothers from the bus stop and took them to the newsagent, where she made them all go to the lads mag section and asked them to pick one of the high end ones. After much foot shuffling, one of them grabbed a Playboy and my mum bought it. When we got home, she made the three of them sit with her on the sofa and go through the mag, being like, “These women are all being paid properly. You should only ever support magazine’s like these where the women are being treated properly. And look at all the interesting articles.” My brothers were mortified but I think it was one of the most feminist and awesome things she’s ever done.”
“I insisted on my parents letting me tell my little brother about condoms when he asked what they were. I’m sure I got most of it wrong, I vaguely remember saying they were plastic bags for willies. But my parents got a laugh out of it.”