1.You will make big plans
BIG plans! Huuuuge! Two whole weeks stretch before you, like the yellow brick road of school holidays. Except the yellow bricks are actually blocks of Milkybar. What will you DO? What will you MAKE? What will you ACHIEVE? How many NAPS will you take?
2. Many. You will take many naps.
Because Arianna Huffington says that sleep is the key to being a productive and successful career woman. So technically this is a self-improvement exercise.
3. You will have high hopes for your revision…
This is the perfect time to really get ahead on your study schedule, you know? So to give yourself the best possible start you will spend 10 days drawing up and colour-coding a detailed spreadsheet breaking down your time into subject, topic area, revision method and snacks. Followed by a few rest days, then an intensive four and half hours of really solid revision.
4….which will soon turn into just ‘hopes’.
Look, to be fair, if you revise too early the knowledge just falls back out of your head again. Everyone knows that.
5. You will also have high hopes for your TV viewing….
Two weeks is probably the perfect amount of time to tick off some of those highbrow must-watch shows everyone keeps going on about, like Homeland and The Crown and that David Attenborough one about the… animals. You’ll go back to school so culturally-enriched and full of amazing water cooler chat. It’ll just be a shame school doesn’t actually have water coolers.
6….which will quickly become more realistic
You’ll watch 20 minutes of Homeland, get distracted IMDBing everything else Damian Lewis has ever been in, then end up in a downward spiral trying to choose something else to watch that ends up with you watching eight solid episodes of Say Yes To The Dress on TLC until a parent prises the remote from your hand and makes you go and stand in the garden. For some air.
7. You will try to make amazing social plans happen
You are NOT all going to end up sitting in Starbucks this time like you always do. Why don’t you all go away together?! FOR A WEEK. Ok, five days. A weekend. To Spain! Ok, Scotland. Ok, that seaside town 20 miles away. Why don’t you make a Doodle Poll? Does anyone have an aunt with a castle? Or a cottage? Or a beach hut? Actually shall we just camp under the stars? Fine, a picnic. Which is basically daytime camping! Except it’s raining. So. Starbucks?
8. Amazing social plans will happen
On the last weekend, someone will get wind of a guy who knows a guy whose parents have gone away caravanning round the Dordogne and left him alone with four puppies and a hot tub and it is the most exciting thing that has ever happened, more or less. You will spend five hours deciding what to wear and trying to find the party and when you finally get there it’ll turn out to be a couple of gerbils and an inflatable paddling pool, but still.
9. It will suddenly start to feel like mini-Christmas
You never really thought Easter was much of a thing… but suddenly there’s a roasting leg of lamb in the oven making the house smell amazing, and you’ve been made to tidy the lounge and The Sound of Music is on telly and Great Aunt Marge is slipping a tenner into your hand and telling you not to spend it all on sweets. As if you need to spend it on sweets.
You’ll be too impatient to wait for actual Easter so you’ll start the warm-up early with a daily Malteser bunny, a few rounds of hot cross buns (Jesus would want you to) and whatever Creme Egg brownie recipe on Pinterest looks the most oozy.
Easter Sunday is here! And the Easter Bunny is apparently a feeder now. You have so much chocolate that you almost, almost think it might be *too much* chocolate. Like, perhaps you should spare yourself and give some away? In fact you will, you’ll donate some to charity! Like a sugary Mother Teresa.
By the time you’ve thoroughly researched it and discovered that there isn’t an Easter egg-specific charity, somehow lots of them are half-eaten and can’t be donated anyway. So there’s only one thing for it: to eat the lot. Preferably before school starts again, so you can have a nice clean start and then switch to homemade chia seed date balls. It’s just sensible.
Right if you’re honest you feel a bit sick, but there’s no point putting this tiny scrap of egg back in the box when you could just polish it off now and recycle the cardboard. Efficiency, that’s how you win Easter.
You know what might help this last bag of mini eggs go down a little bit easier? If you melted them inside a toasted hot cross bun. Then it’s not just eating chocolate for breakfast, it’s a recipe.
Last… bite… aaaand swallow. You did it. You’re a champion. Never mind that somehow your siblings are still crowing smugly over their barely-touched stash and will still be doing so in June; they’re abnormal and you are the only person really embracing the true spirit of Easter. Hang on, did the pattern on the curtains just move? Maybe you’ll lie very still on the floor with your eyes closed for an hour, just until the feeling comes back into your tongue.
It’s all salad, salad, salad from here on in. Vegetables! Brown rice! Nourishment! Spiralising! Thank god you ate all those Easter eggs, really. Perhaps you’ll never eat chocolate again. So even if you didn’t achieve all the stuff or go on the group holiday or boss all your revision, at least this is something to tell everyone about when you get back to school. This is the first day of your sugar-free life.
Oh look, a leftover Mini Egg. How did you escape, little buddy?