OK, so. If you’re one of those warm-blooded types, the person everyone tries to hug when the classroom gets a bit chilly because you’re basically a human radiator, then move along my friend. Ain’t nothing for you here. (Unless you really, truly want to understand what it’s like for the rest of us poor sods).
This one’s for my fellow Ice Queens. Those of you who are unfeasibly, incurably FREEZING. All. The. Time.
Here are just a few of the struggles we know you’re going through every damn day. Just so you know you’re not out there shivering on your own. Sending you warm thoughts and hot water bottle vibes…
P.s. We’d totes send you actual hot water bottles if we could.
1. Maintaing the airtight seal
You know what we’re talking about, right? That precious pocket of warm air you’ve trapped next to your skin through a complex system of layer tucking-in? Thermal vest and pyjama top tucked into pyjama bottoms, tucked into bed socks, and the sleeves of your hoodie tucked into gloves (yes, wearing gloves inside is completely acceptable). Sound familiar? Then you know the trauma of protecting this layer at ALL COSTS.
In short, any movements that may threaten The Seal (basically all movements) should be avoided. And any social interactions involving physical contact should be approached with caution (overzealous huggers – back the eff off). Probs best to stay wrapped in a duvet on the sofa, for safety.
2. The weeing-versus-freezing dilemma
Things get a whole lot worse when you’re faced with a freezing toilet seat in some drafty cubicle at school, in a bus station or (honestly, is it even worth considering?) in some shed next to the school fields. Suddenly you have a choice. Unwrap yourself and let the evil wind sweep into your coziest crevices, or wee yourself.
Seriously, how is this still a choice we’re having to make in 2017? Why weren’t we born with the boy weeing system of sticking one tiny bit of our anatomy out of a hole in our trousers? They don’t even have to get their bums out. No fair.
3. Layers. So many layers.
Or more to the point, what to do with said layers when you enter an area that some dreamy person (god bless them) has actually heated to an acceptable temperature.
Suddenly it’s a race against time to shed a jacket, gloves, hat, blanket scarf, three jumpers, and two long-sleeved tops before you pass out, all while finding somewhere to dump everything. Or worse, trying to stop it all touching some scuzzy/wet floor. But you’re a pro. You know what to do: bundle that shiz between your knees and lock those bad boys together. Extra points if you manage to do this on a form of public transport.
4. Supermarket freezer sections
Ok people, we know you need to keep this stuff frozen. But is it really necessary to freeze the whole damn aisle? Cold-blooded people need to pick up ice cream too, ya know. And don’t even get us started on moving from the frozen aisle to the balmy bakery section. Supermarket bosses, please refer to point 3. How the hell are we supposed to strip while also holding a basket full of Nutella?
5. Being a slave to your hairdryer
You KNOW that leaving the house with even the slightest remnant of moisture in your locks is a seriously bad idea. But those extra ten minutes in bed are worth it, right? NOPE.
As soon as you step outside – even in the middle of summer – you feel as if your head’s been dunked into an ice bucket. The drips on your shoulders start to seep through your jumper (yes, you’re wearing a jumper in summer) and…. wait a minute, what is this? Are bits of my fringe actually forming icicles down my face?! Never. Again.
6. When you don’t have control of the thermostat
This crisis can hit anywhere. At a friend’s house (‘at what point is it ok to wrestle Rachael’s dad to the ground and confiscate his phone so I can hack into his Hive account?’), in school obviously (just one more way for teachers to torture you), even in your own room (‘Mum pleeeaaasssee, just one more degreeeeee. You can have all of my savings for the heating bill!!!’). There are only a few ways out. Whack on those layers. Or hug one of those human radiator type-people. Or submerge yourself in boiling hot water. Or leave.
7. The bath dance
Speaking of hot water, let’s just agree that taking baths is much more treacherous when you’re a perpetually freezing person. The only temperature that gets the cold out of your bones is approximately 2000°C, but that’s also a temperature at which you will sustain third-degree burns.
So as you step into your pampering basin / death trap, there’s always that knife-edge moment (and the accompanying hoppy dance moves) while you wait to find out if, this time, you really have gone too far and are in fact boiling yourself alive. But then again what’s the alternative? A lukewarm bath. Yeah… no thanks.
8. PE lessons in winter
And autumn. And spring. And basically all of summer too, except for those four days in August when England suddenly decides to join the rest of Europe in being an acceptable temperature. And let’s not even get started on the PE lessons when you just seriously CBA. And you have to make the choice between running around to warm up (‘OH GOD DON’T MAKE ME RUUUUNNN’) or asking to be goalie and risking actually dying on the hockey pitch of hypothermia.
Would it be so hard to introduce hot yoga as a PE subject? Or recognise the need for post PE sauna sessions? Just saying.
9. Sun, sand and….NOPE
From the beach, that sea always looks so good doesn’t it? So refreshing. Look how much fun your friends are having larking about in the waves. Look at the Instagrams they’re getting of the surf hitting their toes. It’s so boring over here on the sun lounger. And I mean, you’re in Spain after all. How cold could it be? Maybe I’ll just dip a toe in the… OH HELL NO. NO NO NO. (No).
10. The whole nip situation
No skimpy, pretty bras for you, my friend. It’s padded all the way. Unless you want to show off your permanently perky nipples which, if you do, more power to you. But it might be nice if just once you could choose your favourite lacy concoction AND have a smooth line on your T-shirt.
11. Heat-based style choices
Which brings us to the rest of your style choices. Sure, cold-shoulder tops might be the height of fashion this season but are you going to give them a whirl? The clue’s in the frickin name, guys! At least one part of you will be cold, and we all know how fast freezingness can spread when you’re a living, breathing ice cube. So you’re forced to dismiss 75% of trends because, let’s face it, they will lead to instant pneumonia.
The sooner the fashion industry realises that all clothes would be a gazillion times better if they were made from triple layered fleece, the better. Come on Anna Wintour – I know you’re secretly a forever-freezing person, too. Even if you do wear sunnies all year round.
12. People thinking they’ve really pissed you off
No, you haven’t. And I’m actually super interested in your latest cat story! But you’re trying to scream it to me over the howling wind as we walk home from school on this bleak Thursday evening while it chucks it down, which means I’m concentrating on directing all of my energy towards trying to stay warm right now. Which leaves zero energy for laughing. Even speaking, let’s be honest. If you can just hang on a few minutes, I’ll be right with you.
And by ‘a few minutes’ I mean however long it takes for us to make it back to my place alive, make a cup of tea and wrap ourselves in seven blankets each. Mm.