There are big lies and small lies. White lies and lies of omission. There are lies you tell to protect someone’s feelings (“Nooo, your new haircut definitely doesn’t make you look like an egg”) and lies you tell because you’re human (“I did my homework, but my computer crashed before I saved it!”).
And then there are just plain old stupid lies. Lies people tell for the sheer joy of lying. Lies that contribute nothing to society but are damn fun to see if you get away with – and lies that you swallow hook, line and sinker, then look back on a few years later and go, “ohhhhhh WAIT.” Lies you know deep down are lies, but you repeat anyway because they’re so creative you just want them to be true.
Here are some of our very fave fibs, sourced from our friends, the betty office and trusty Twitter. Smell burning? That’s some mighty big pants on fire.
“A friend told us she was moving to the US. We threw a goodbye party with gifts. She was back after half term, changed her mind apparently…”
“It was a given fact that one of our Heads of House at school had a wooden boob. No one ever questioned it.”
“When I was naughty my dad would march me out to the “baby changing rooms” and stand us outside the door. Then he would say ‘if you don’t start behaving I’m going to take you in there. Do you know what that room is? It’s where you change your baby for a better one. Do you want us to swap you for a new baby?’ And I would stand there and cry ‘nooooooooo!’”
“A friend played me ‘One Moment in Time’ by Whitney Houston and told me it was her singing it. Said she’d sung it through a special machine that played your voice as it would sound as an adult. She was 9 and, like me, Northern Irish.”
“I once told my teacher I was leaving the school because my mum got a job as a helicopter pilot. Wasn’t even leaving.”
“A girl told me in Year 9 whilst we were studying the Titanic that her grandad was the captain. I believed her for years.”
“A girl at primary school told me that they had baby pandas in her garden. My first visit to her house was a devastating letdown.”
“Had a friend at 11 who told me he’d had sex all over the kitchen, including in the washing machine. I completely believed him.”
“I told everyone at my primary school that I was famous, but only in Kent.”
“My dad told me and my sister that if we stayed up until midnight we’d turn into mice in order to get us off to bed. Kind of backfired though as we were curious kids and stayed up til 12pm to find out. Pretty risky strategy.”
“A guy I was dating sent me a voice recording of ‘I Can Show You The World,’ claiming it was him and a girl from his school. A few years later, I realised he’d actually just recorded the YouTube video of the Broadway cast singing it.”
“I genuinely believed that my grandpa killed Hitler. He told me that he saw him, waved and said “hi Hitler” (I obviously had no idea what a Nazi salute was). Hitler then waved back, said “hi Brian” and my grandpa shot him. I told my friends and everything.”
“My Dad told me that you could put your head out the window on a flight, but you had to wear goggles and a scarf and you had to ask the air hostess for them. So I did.”
“When I was in primary school I told a friend I was born with 6 fingers, like Anne Boleyn. Still unsure why.”
“My dad always picked me up from school; when I was seven, on the drive home I asked him what sex was as we pulled up the drive to our house. He did the neatest light-speed parallel park, muttered that “only gorillas did that”, then ran into the garage. I told everyone at school the next day that they were all stupid as I had it on good authority from an ADULT that we were barking up the wrong tree with the sex thing.”
“I went to school with Kylie Minogue’s godson, apparently.”
“That the Body Shop would buy our nail clippings…”
“A girl told me she won a comp where the prize was Daniel Radcliffe’s email address. Tbf, the forged email looked legit to 11 year old me.”
“I believed (into adulthood shamefully) that flamenco dancing originated out of necessity due to huge ant infestation in Spain.”
“A new girl started school and maintained for a good year that her grandad invented the Fab lolly.”
“We managed to convince a friend, in high school no less, that she was a total freak for showering and having baths naked. We told her everyone else wore a wetsuit. To this day I think there’s a tiny part of her that still isn’t sure.”
“One girl said she voiced Squirtle from Pokemon. She did a very good impression tbf so I’m still not entirely convinced she didn’t.
Anyone else craving a porky pie, or just us?