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The worst dates we’ve ever been on

Oh, dating. Somehow, that one word can make you feel overjoyed, giggly and a little nauseous. Maybe you’ve dated loads, maybe you’ve dated a bit, maybe you’ve never dated at all. Maybe it reminds you of the time you met the person you fell in love with, or of the time where you narrowly avoided playing tonsil hockey with someone you suspect might keep all their toenail clippings in a jar somewhere.

Either way, here are some of our most memorable dating, er, highlights. Just remember: a weird date often makes for a really funny story. And sometimes funny stories are basically better than relationships.

“So, when I was 14, I arranged to meet my best friend at the cinema. My best friend and I were at wildly different points in our social and sexual development: I was still reading pony books and had a training bra sagging off of me, she had four simultaneous boyfriends and underwired cups. I showed up and my friend had invited three boys I had never met, and another friend of hers. I was like “ok, this is weird…”, until the film started playing and it became clear that we weren’t just here for a cinema trip. THIS WAS A MAKE-OUT THING. Two girls paired up with two boys immediately, and I was left watching Orlando Bloom’s The Calcium Kid with a total stranger. Halfway through, I stood up and said “MY GRANDDAD HAS HAD A STROKE!” and left.”

“Mine was with a girl called Juanita. Oh god, Juanita. I was over at her house and her mother kept insisting that I wasn’t allowed to leave until I ate something. She was a Colombian woman who spoke in broken English and when I tried to explain that I didn’t eat meat, she went to the fridge and got a dead piglet out of the fridge and put it down in front of me. A LITERAL DEAD BABY PIG GUYS. ‘Why you not eat meat?’ she asked, making the dead piglet walk across the kitchen bench. She told me about how she’d take me to Columbia and we’d slaughter a cow together. I only saw Juanita once again after that at which point she told me she was in love with me (obvs).”

“I went on a date with a guy who didn’t know what a bagel was. Straight up had never heard of a bagel. Even weirder, he’d taken me on a date to Brick Lane in east London – home to the country’s most famous bagel shops – and still claimed he hadn’t the foggiest. “So it’s like… a roll, with a hole in it?” I never saw him again. He actually didn’t text me after but I like to pretend I rejected him on grounds of gastronomic ignorance.”

“My worst date was with a boy I’d been in love with for about 18 months. I would gaze lovingly across the room at him during our Friday evening keyboard lessons, but to no avail. Eventually, after serious flirting during a French exchange, he asked me on a date to the cinema. I wasn’t really known as a girly girl at school and wanted to make sure that he saw me as a potential girlfriend rather than just a friend, so when he offered to let me pick the film rather than going for the slapstick comedy I wanted to see I chose a really fluffy romcom with Kate Hudson – because girly girls only like romance films, right? (note: this is bollocks). The film was terrible, we sat staring straight ahead at it in painfully cringey horror the entire time, and then afterwards he decided he didn’t want to go get a KFC as was the plan, he wanted to just go straight home. And the next time we saw each other he punched me on the arm and called me “Matey” to say hello. So much for being a girlfriend rather than a friend. Damn you, Kate Hudson.”


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Image: Napoleon Dynamite

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