1. So, you, like, don’t eat meat?
No. That’s what the word means.
Although… you eat fish so I’m technically a pescetarian but you tend just to say vegetarian because otherwise you sound like a twat.
2. Oh, so you’re not a *real* vegetarian then?
*Under your breath*: Oh god, here we go…
No, you’re am one of those half breeds. The mud-blood of vegetarianism. The Cockapoo of dietary requirements. You are not worthy of your respect and to prove that, you will accept the ridiculous title of ‘pescetarian’.
3. Do you eat cheese and onion crisps through? Because THEY have animal product in them.
This one is particularly annoying because while five seconds ago, they were annoyed about your vegetarianism, they are now positively enraged that you have such poor moral judgement. “YOU EAT JELLY?!” They cry, as they take a bite into their lamb laksa. Like, dude, you’re eating a baby sheep, and that’s totally fine, but tone down the judgement, ok?
4. Wait, did you say you ate jelly? You know jelly has gelatin in it, right?
Yes, you do. Because you are a terrible vegetarian and an awful human. You also eat Parmesan. And wear leather shoes. I know, I know, you deserve to die in the fiery pits of hell.
5. But, whyyyyy?
There is no right answer to this question. Not one. If you say that you are concerned about animal rights and you think that the way we transport meat is bad for the environment, then… Oh, ok, yep, now they’re looking at you like you’re insane.
Or if you say, ‘Oh, I just don’t really like meat,’ which leads to…
6. What?! You don’t like meat?!
No, because you’re a mutant who also doesn’t like puppies or baby hedgehogs (what? They’re cute) and you never cry when you’re watching the Titanic. You always cry when you watch The Titanic.
7. So you’re not “one of those” vegetarians?
See, now you’re a vegetarian again. It’s so confusing.
8. What about chicken though?
Well, chickens are traditionally seen as animals…so…um…yeah….not so much of the chicken. Or chicken stock. Or beef stock. And before you ask, yes wafer thin ham does count as meat. Your life is officially more ridiculous than the scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
9. But what about Christmas?
When people say this, they’re not actually talking about Christmas, they’re talking about turkey. Like when people say they “having a funny tummy,” they don’t mean their stomach has suddenly developed a wicked sense of humour. There has never been a conversation had between a vegetarian (ok, ok pescatarian) and a non-vegetarian that hasn’t at some point included a discussion about turkey.
10. How long have you been a vegetarian for?
If you say less than two years, people will dismiss this as “a phase”, like hooped earrings or a full moon. If you say anything over two years they will look at you with something bordering on respect before adding, “You know, I was a vegetarian once,” or often, “I thought about being a vegetarian once,” for which you must politely say, “Oh, really!” as if it’s an even mildly interesting fact.
After this conversation you’ll feel like a lie down. And maybe a plate of a bacon.