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Things you only know if you have zero makeup skills

Hi, my name is Sophie and I’ve had the same makeup routine for about eight years.

In a world of famous beauty bloggers, unicorn highlighter and sell-out lip kits, I remain steadfastly un-creative where my face is concerned. Here is my make up routine in its entirety: a few dabs of concealer, powder, mascara and lipstick (mostly red but pink if I’m feeling adventurous). If it’s a very special occasion, I’ll break out the liquid eyeliner. And that’s it.

It’s not that I’ve never tried; it’s just that any of my past forays into something a little more, let’s say; artistic have been failures on a grand scale. There was the pink eyeshadow/blue mascara phase when I started secondary school, the unfortunate black eyeshadow period when I got into metal music in a big way and the two days when I tried to wear foundation and ended up looking like a greasy, slightly orange plate.

I marvel at people who can blend and contour. How do people fill in their eyebrows without looking like they’ve been playing with a marker pen? How do they do tiny fake freckles and defined cheekbones? I have a feeling it might be a form of witchcraft.

Browsing a makeup counter is like trying to order off a Portuguese menu. I have no idea what I’m looking at and even if I did, I don’t have the skills to put any of it on my face without looking like a poorly-forged Picasso painting.

If this is all sounding awfully familiar, you’ll relate to every single one of these in a big way…

The only highlighter you use is the one in your pencil case

You’ve watched a million tutorials on how to apply flawless highlighter but you just have to accept that the only thing you’ll be highlighting is the notes you made in your last history class…

Cat eyes always end up as panda eyes

Sloooowly, sloooowly, just delicately angle the brush up. Just a chic little cat-eye flick. Bridgette Bardot beauty, here I come. Ok, that’s a bit longer than expected but that’s fine, I can work with that. I’ll just extend that bit so it joins the rest of it. That’s a touch wonky; I’ll just fill the wobbly bit in. Bit thicker than I was aiming for but no worries, I’ll just channel a more edgy vibe. I can pull that off. So, just one more tiny touch up aaaaaand… PANDA.

A ‘natural’ look just means no make-up

How can it take seventeen different products to make it look like you’re wearing no make up? You don’t possess the necessary skills to master that level of subtlety so you’re just going to embrace your oily t-zone.

Make up seems super-expensive

You go on a make up mission with your friend and she picks up three things. That will come to about 20 quid, you think. Guess again. She just laid down £70 without batting an eyelid and you’re about to call the police for daylight robbery.

You don’t get why there are so many different brushes

What can they all possibly be for?

You don’t understand those egg-shaped sponges either

Do they do a different job? What do you use them for? Why do they cost so much?!

Every shade looks the same to you

Your make up mad friend has products named ‘rose’, ‘blush’, ‘sweet nectar’ and ‘apricot pearl’ but they all just look like pink to you.

Every time you think you’ll try something new it ends up a disaster

Contouring. How hard can that be? Very, judging by the random, definitely not blended stripes all over your face. And the YouTuber made it look so easy…

You worry that you’ll turn into one of those old ladies who’s looked the same for the last forty years

After managing to master one signature look, you’re not about to give it up any time soon. But you worry that it’s going to be less Anna Wintour-style iconic and more stuck in the past-sad when you’re still rocking it in two decades’ time.

@SophieBenson_

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