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12 things that happen at every family wedding

Weddings are all about love and happiness – but there’s a whole lot more going on when your whole family’s there. Such as…

1. Your dress will require ‘negotiations’

You’ve got your eye on that cute cut-out dress in Topshop but your mum will have other ideas, and after schlepping around your local shopping centre for hours you’ll eventually compromise on something that neither of you are totally happy with. Then you’ll spend the day being a bit uncomfortable and declaring ‘MY MUM MADE ME WEAR IT’ every time someone comments on your outfit.

2. All the dads will talk about the journey over

And how easy the drive was, how much traffic was on the roads, which route they took and which route they’ll take later. And then they’ll start offering their opinions on everyone else’s journey, too. Seriously, how can they make a conversation about something so tedious last so long?

3. Your mum will be constantly fussing with her outfit

She wants to look her best for the photos (and to impress the rest of the family) so every five minutes she’ll be asking if her fascinator is wonky and tugging at the hem of her dress. Plus she’ll get her hair done in a style that she never usually wears, so she’ll be fiddling with that, too.

4. Random relatives will be compelled to comment on your appearance

‘Ooooh, haven’t you grown?’ they’ll coo at you, while you struggle to bite your tongue because duh, of course you have. Or maybe your very conservative auntie will make a comment about your ombre or undercut, and you’ll just have to smile and nod politely. Ugh.

5. You’ll probably be put on the kids’ table…

…even though you’re too old for it now, which means spending the duration of the meal watching your younger cousins flick peas at each other and putting up with your sister kicking your legs under the table.

6. Your dad will have too much to drink

Despite his demands that everyone be on their best behaviour, it won’t be long until your dad’s looking a bit rosy-cheeked and jolly, and every time your mum covertly whispers something to him about taking it easy he’ll merrily boom ‘BUT IT’S A WEDDING!’ before clinking glasses with literally anyone in range.

7. Someone will give you a baby to hold…

…which is great if you like babies, but if you don’t, then not so much. Everyone will be talking about teething and nap schedules and other baby stuff, and you’ll be stood there panicking about accidentally dropping their squirmy, smelly bundle of joy on the buffet table.

8. All the family drama will come out

If there’s any family gossip, now’s the time that it’ll all come out. But no one wants to ruin the happy couple’s special day so all the drama will be kept on the down low until you’re in the car on the way home and your mum starts ranting about it all.

9. An old person will say something offensive

You’ll all be happily tucking into your starters when your gran will suddenly pipe up with something absolutely outrageous, and everyone will do a polite, awkward laugh while inwardly cringing HARD.

10. You’ll spot someone cute…

…but you won’t be able to chat them up because your parents are there. Or worse, you’ll find out you’re distantly related to them somehow and spend the rest of the day feeling a bit weird and confused.

11. Your uncle will dance with a tie around his head

In fact, all kinds of strange stuff will happen on the dancefloor once the reception is in full swing. Your kid cousin will be sliding around on his knees, your aunts will be doing some kind of bizarre dance moves and your parents will probably end up smooching. Gross.

12. But you’ll have an awesome time

Even though your family drive you nuts, they’re your family and you wouldn’t change them for the world (you realise, after seeing the bride/groom’s other side).


Image: The Brady Bunch Movie

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