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Thoughts you have when your crush won’t message you back

“Should I ring round the hospitals, orrrr…?”

1. Aaaand… SEND.

2. Why aren’t they replying?

3. They’re probably just thinking of the perfect response, I can’t blame them. It was an excellent joke.

4. Maybe it hasn’t gone through? I’ll just check. Crap, two ticks.

5. Ok, well they probably just haven’t seen it. Double crap, two blue ticks.

6. Damn you WhatsApp and your mocking ticks! I hope your ticks get pubic lice. I hope your ticks fart really loudly every time they are introduced to someone new. I hope your ticks develop a weird disease where their bones melt and they just become a puddle of skin.

7. Oh god, was my joke not funny?

8. Wait, what am I talking about my joke was *definitely* funny. Maybe they just didn’t understand the joke.

9. Should I send another message to clarify?

10. No, because I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t get my sense of humour. I have a brilliant sense of humour.

11.Maybe they’re just being a dick and playing hard to get.

12. I bet they’re ignoring me. I hate them. I am never speaking to them again.

13. Seriously, this whole thing is over. I’m not the type of girl who will put up with this crap.

14. But it’s just so unlike them to not respond. Perhaps they died.

15. Wait, what if they actually did though? What if they were in a tragic car accident because they looked at my text while they were driving?

16. WHAT IF THEY’RE DEAD AND IT’S ALL MY JOKE’S FAULT?! What if my sense of humour literally killed someone? And instead of being all sympathetic to their death, I’ve been sat here seething like a twat?

17. Should I call all the hospitals? Would that be considered an overreaction orrrrr?

18. Yep, no, ok. Bad plan.

19. I suppose it has only been 20 minutes. I must do something productive instead of watching my phone. I am a strong, independent woman. I lead a full and busy life. I do not need an instant texter-backer. I will just bury my phone under this sofa cushion and do some light meditation and maybe go for a wal- TEXT! TEXT!

20. I knew my joke was funny.

@LilyPesch

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