There are loads of good people in the world. You’re probably related to some of them. You almost definitely are mates with a couple of them. And you might even date a few of them. But you are also very likely going to end up dating some of these jokers first. Sorry, but it’s true.
The One That’s Really Into Photography
And not just someone who’s obsessed with taking photos on their iPhone. Oh no, this is a completely different breed of human. This is the type of person who bought an old school film camera from a charity shop and is always asking you to pause when you’re midway through doing something, then stare off into middle distance and ‘look natural’. Most of their photos will be terrible, but there’ll be one that you actually really like and you keep it for years after you break up as proof you were once a muse.
The One Who Quotes Anchorman
Not just Anchorman, but any comedy starring Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler or Ben Stiller. It’s confusing but because this person makes you laugh so much you mistakenly assume that they’re funny. But that’s not actually true – they just have an encyclopedic memory of film quotes and recycle them at precisely the right moment.
Years later, you’ll still be watching films and having those “ohhhh THAT’S where that’s from!” epiphanies.
The One Who Has Their Own Car
You will feel like you’re in an American movie starring Elizabeth Olsen and Miles Teller. You will spend a lot of time making perfect ‘road trip’ playlists for when they drive you to the Nando’s 15 minutes away. You will fool around on their back seat. You are only human.
The One You Should Have Just Stayed Friends With
This is the person you accidentally make out with one night because you figure that you get along so well and everyone’s always asking if there’s anything between you, you may as well give it a shot. FYI if you wince when they kiss you, it’s probably not a good sign.
The One In The Year Above
Oh my, well aren’t you sophisticated? Oh they can’t come to the party this weekend because they’re studying for their A Levels. You know, because they’re in the year above us. Did you know?
They know. Everyone knows.
You don’t notice at first because it’s subtle enough. Then they mentioned that they don’t find women funny and something inside you flinches… but maybe it’s just a misunderstanding? But then you realise that the things you interpreted as compliments were thinly-masked insults – like “some guys only like skinny girls, but I think you’re hot.” Or “It’s cool how you never make any effort with your appearance.” Or “I’m so glad you’re one of those girls who doesn’t care if I never text back.” Hang on.
The One You Only Dated Online
You are exhausted. You stay up until the early hours of the morning talking to them on Whatsapp or Snapchat or literally any medium that isn’t an actual phone call (because: ew). You tell them incredibly intimate things about yourself, things that you haven’t even told your closest friends. They are your confidante. The person who you relay the smallest details of your day to. And yet, whenever you see this person IRL you panic and hide in the closest bathroom.
The One You Lie To
Maybe you pretend to like Radiohead. Maybe you pretend to like basketball. Maybe you pretend to speak French, using only phrases you’ve learned from that episode of Friends. At some point you get bored of the lying and ’fess up and they find it less kooky and adorable than you’d hoped.
The One Your Parents Love
Your mum always makes a big fuss when they come over and is forever offering them baked goods and your dad calls them ‘a decent lad/lass’, which is pretty much the highest form of praise he has ever bestowed on anyone. When you eventually break up, your mum will cry more than you do and your dad will want to watch The Notebook.
The One Your Parents Hate
Part of their appeal is you know before you ever introduce them to your parents the way their smiles will tighten, their voices will rise an octave higher. Maybe they have a motorbike, maybe they have an unusual piercing, maybe they have an attitude problem. When you call to tell them you’ve broken up, you think you hear them high five in the background.
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Image: Scott Pilgrim Vs The World