Positivity is always important, but we’re just gonna have to come out and say this one: January, you’re the WORST.
The magic and sparkle of Christmas is about as far away as it can possibly be, everything’s turned 50 shades of freezing cold grey, and the next person to mention their New Year’s resolution gets a poke in the eye if they’re not careful.
But while the first month of the year looks a bit bleak at first glance and you might want to grab the nearest blanket to go into hibernation, you don’t need to worry about a thing, because we’re all in this together.
In the infamous words of Daniel Bedingfield you’ve just gotta get thru this, and it won’t be long ’til summer comes around again. Seriously summer, if you could get a move on, that would be great.
1. Hearing the first alarm
For the past two weeks you’ve been sleeping in so late that mum has to bribe you out of bed with bacon sandwiches just to check that you are actually still alive under your blankets. It’s been magical. Duvet, we’ll miss you more than we can ever express.
But oh gaaahd, that can’t be your alarm right now, surely? It’s still pitch black outside, the moon is still doing its thing, it’s the middle of the night, you only just closed your eyes… Don’t make me gooo.
2. Getting ready in the dark
Dragging yourself out of the warm, snuggly duvet burrito that you’ve been planted in since Christmas Eve is hard enough, but the bit afterwards doesn’t get much easier. Early winter mornings mean getting ready in the pitch black, and that can only really end in total disaster.
Hairspray on your armpits, deodorant on your toothbrush, your toothbrush in your hair and your hairbrush currently missing in action, while you’ve ended up wearing your most uncomfortable emergency undies and the concealer colour that only suits you after two weeks in the sun. GAH.
3. Being consistently a bit soggy thanks to the weather
Is it even a day in January unless you ruin your favourite pair of shoes by stepping in a sludgy puddle, waste half an hour doing your hair perfectly only to get rained on and forgetting to take your scarf and gloves out which results in your fingers feeling like they might fall off at any moment?
The worst part of all of that is that summer is technically still ages away. So far away that we can’t even start counting down the days yet. What lies ahead is just one big, endless stretch of soggy misery. Someone lend us a brolly, please?
4. First day back
The real challenge only begins when you finally manage to get out the house. That’s after you’ve had that chat with yourself, sitting on the edge of your bed in your towel, wondering whether you really do actually need to go to school, or what would actually happen if you just refused to go.
Now that that’s over you’ve just got to get through the hellish bus journey, the brutal first lesson that involves zero Christmas films, remembering that homework is a thing that exists, realising you’re already behind with your revision, getting told off for doing no work… Sob.
5. Wearing real clothes again
What even are jeans, though? Tight-fitting, skinny suction denim prisons are nothing compared to the fleece-lined, fuzzy touch penguin-covered pyjama bottoms that you’ve been living in 24/7 for the past fortnight. The world would be better if we stayed in Christmas PJs forever, right?
And don’t even get us started on swapping previous festive knitwear for the cursed school uniform all over again. Clothes just aren’t as good when they involve blazers, ties and button up shirts rather than teeny tiny jingle bells and light up reindeers.
6. Figuring out how to layer up
It goes without saying that we’re all only gonna be stepping outside this January if we’re prepared – wearing two jumpers, a coat that could heat up an iceberg, a thick wooly hat, multiple scarves and a pair of gloves. But um, how do we rock this look without just looking like a walking washing basket?
The endless effort to try and look stylish while layering up is one that we’ll have to leave to the fashion bloggers tbh. For now, we’ll just stick to figuring out how to stay warm without also drowning in our own sweat, tah.
7. The one conversation
If anything’s gonna bring you dangerously close to going insane in January, it’s repeating the same convo over and over. And over. And over. ‘Awh hiya, how was your Christmas?’ ‘Yeah it was good thanks, how was yours?’ ‘Yeah really nice thanks, can’t believe it’s all over again.’ ‘Yeah’.
Repeat over and over until it feels like your ears are falling off, you’ve lost all sense of vague social skills and your brain has turned to cranberry sauce. Maybe just start telling people you did hibernate through December to avoid the chat altogether.
8. Pretending to stick to your resolutions for two days
New Year’s resolutions are totally still realistic and relevant until approximately January 3rd at about 11.30am. Then you swiftly come to your senses when someone offers you a biscuit, and you realise that they were all just a mixture of innocent optimism, wishful thinking and some kind of brain fart that you’ll never really understand.
You’re just the same person you were on December 31st (except a bit more miserable). You still hate exercising tbh, you still really enjoy eating cheese, you still really enjoy opting for YouTube binges ’til 3am over a normal sleeping pattern. Bye, Felicia.
9. YouTube going quiet
December is the most wonderful time of the year, but it definitely peaks when it comes to all things YouTube. Vlogmas is the best thing to happen to the internet, because who wouldn’t wanna spend 24 days watching Zoella buy a Christmas tree, make gingerbread and wrap a sleigh full of presents?
Unfortunately, the downside of Vlogmas is that January has now become dry season in the world of YouTube. They’re all taking some well-earned time off, there’s no more festive JOY to be watched and honestly, it’s like they all want us to actually do something productive with our free time. How dare they.
10. Missing Christmas food
Um, can someone please tell us where the constant supplies of cheeseboard, Quality Street, mince pies, turkey sandwiches, pigs in blankets, and candy canes have gone please? We didn’t tell anyone to move it, but mum seems to have taken it all out of the fridge for some reason and we’re a bit peckish.
WAIT, you mean to tell us that we’ve got to wait another TWELVE months before we can start scoffing teeny tiny (slightly crap) advent chocolates for breakfast again? January, take your healthy green juices and get outta here.
11. Having absolutely zero money
Transforming into the 2017 version of Santa seemed like a really good idea when the shops had fairy lights everywhere and you were feeling generous af, but checking your bank account when January rolls around will have you feeling about as loving and giving as an old sock.
Turns out that it is in fact physically possible to spend your entire life savings in just a couple of weeks – who knew? And that’s despite not actually leaving the house, socialising in any way or treating yourself to any… Oh wait, the January sales. Oops.
12. Hat hair
Unless you fancy a little bout of New Year Pneumonia this Jan, an enormous cosy hat is gonna be a fashion essential this winter. But, while they might look cute enough for an Instagram pic or two, they do also bring the endless struggle that is hat hair.
How do we stop it being so static that we may as well be charging our own phone right now? How do we stop the top of our hair taking on the exact shape of our hat around our skull? How do we stop the actual birds nest that forms at the back of the neck? SO MANY QUESTIONS.
13. Being ill
Ahh January, not only do you turn us into a human bundle of squishy knitwear, but you also give us all the super cute, super on trend addition of a constant runny nose. That’s always seriously attractive isn’t it – especially when it’s absolutely undefeatable and has a mind of its own, no matter how many tissues you sacrifice trying to make it stop.
Yep, the beginning of the year is just 31 days of snot, really. Well, snot and the occasional chest infection, ear infection, chapped lips, dry skin and a throaty cough that welcomes your distant sea lion relatives home. Adorable.
14. Tights falling down
And last but not least, everyone knows that there’s no winter struggle greater or more impossible to avoid than the eternal fight for trying to keep your tights up throughout the day. Especially if um… you’ve had said tights for a while.
Combine the battle of the baggy crotch with the fact that you inevitably end up sticking your thumb through them every time you go in for a hoist, and you’ve basically just confirmed that January is 100 per cent the worst month of the whole bunch. AGH, WE MISS CHRISTMAS.
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Image: Pitch Perfect