1. I wish I was asleep.
2. If I fall asleep now, I will get seven and a half hours’ sleep.
3. I have never been this tired in my whole life.
4. Actually, no one in the history of the world has ever been this tired.
5. Apart from Obama. But he is the only exception.
6. Oh and Beyonce. Honestly, where does she get her energy from?!
7. Somewhere fancy, probably. Designer energy!
8. Ok I’m going to count sheep. That’s a thing, right?
9. I wonder why it’s sheep?
10. Are sheep notoriously good sleepers?
11. Why isn’t it sloths?
12. Or pandas?
13. Or tortoises?
14. Or my brother?
15. I wonder if he’s asleep, maybe he wants to watch an episode of Stranger Things with me.
16. No. I was sleeping.
17. Or, trying to sleep.
18. If I fall asleep now, I will get seven hours and 13 minutes’ sleep.
19. What about milk? Warm milk is totally a thing.
20. But then I have to get out bed, which will probably make me even more awake.
21. And it’s warm and cosy in here.
22. Is it weird that we drink another animal’s milk?
23. It is weird. Maybe I’ll start drinking soy.
24. But it’s an extra 50p to get a soy hot chocolate, which seems excessive.
25. Money is weird. Like, the metal of the coin isn’t worth 50p, but we perceive that it’s worth 50p.
26. What if we just all decided it was now worth 60p? Can we do that?
27. Maybe I should start a petition for it on change.org
28. Maybe it will make up for the fact I am going to fail my Citizenship test in the morning.
29. If I fall asleep now, I will get six hours and 42 minutes’ sleep.
30. I know! I’ll listen to a soundtrack of the ocean. Oceans are relaxing.
31. Excellent, Spotify even has a playlist of ocean sounds.
32. This is totally working. I feel relaxed and warm.
35. Oh for god’s sake, now I need to pee.
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Image: Manjit Thapp