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Onion rings, and seven other very intense reasons to love Lorde

Sometimes I think that pop stars are a bit like condiments. Yes, condiments. Like: ketchup, mayonnaise, mustard, hot sauce, whatever. Almost everyone has a condiment that they like best, and almost everyone has one they never, ever, ever, touch. People who don’t like mayonnaise and people who do like mayonnaise are never going to reach a truce, simply because both arguments boil down to, “I don’t know, that’s just how it tastes to me.”

Lorde is my ketchup. I will have her with chips, in my burger, in a sausage sandwich. If I’m outside and it’s summer time, I want Lorde by my side. I am drawn to her in the same way that I feel repelled by Katy Perry. I can’t explain either feeling, that’s just how it is. Pop stars. Condiments.

Nonetheless, with the release of Lorde’s absolutely-oh-my-god-flawless album Melodrama, I have attempted to quantify my love for Lorde.

1. She’s won’t let anyone stick her in a box

Here’s the thing about Lorde: she’s an awkward kid from New Zealand who reads a lot. She’s not really into make-up, except for a slash of purple lipstick. But the fact that Lorde is a cute nerd is just one part of her, not all of her. She hasn’t let anyone push her into a “I’m so a-dorkable” box. She’s nerdy, but she’s also funny, and smart, and likes to socialise, and dance, and she’s one of the only pop stars who is allowed to have a full and layered existence. And I dig on that!

2. She won’t stay quiet about Photoshop

Yo, don’t Photoshop Lorde’s bad skin days, because she will not truck with it. Lorde later stated that she knew her fans were mostly young girls, and she didn’t want them to be fooled by the ever-presence of Photoshop in the entertainment industry.

3. She’s got the best lyrics

“Our thing progresses, I call and you come through
Blow all my friendships to sit in hell with you
But we’re the greatest, they’ll hang us in the Louvre
Down the back, but who cares, still the Louvre”

Ughhhhhhhhhh, this girl. Her writing kills me, guys. She takes something truthful and self-effacing (“blow all my friendships to sit in hell with you”), then counters it with something more romantic (“they’ll hang us in the Louvre”), but then stops it from being over-the-top by ending on a joke. (“Who cares, still the Louvre”)

This is how you write lyrics, people! If you’re a songwriter of any age, you would be making a huge mistake by not listening to Lorde’s music.

4. Even at 17, she was a quote machine

“The phrase ‘teen hottie’ literally makes me want to throw up,” she told the New York Times in 2013.

5. She has doubts, but she powers through

While promoting her new album, Lorde admitted that she had a freak-out that she wouldn’t be able to match the success of Pure Heroine. “There was a real hit of, like, ‘I just don’t have another one’,” she told Rolling Stone. Her producer, Jack Antonoff, insisted she take some time off, and “barrelled me out of the studio, and flicked me across the globe.”

And y’know what, she powered through. She went home, she took a long look at her life and her friends, and she wrote about what she knew. And she made a bloody great album out of it.


Ok, yes, Lorde makes great music and writes great lyrics, and is a positive role model, but also, Lorde reviews onion rings? Like? Onion rings????

A few days ago, it became public knowledge that Lorde secretly ran an Instagram account called @onionringsworldwide, where she… reviewed onion rings, worldwide.

It’s since been shut down (whyy, internet?) but if that isn’t the extra-curricular activity of a living legend, I don’t know what is.


When the South Park boys decided to take the piss out of Lorde by pretending Randy Marsh, a 40-something dad, was secretly Lorde (?!), the internet was up in arms. Didn’t they realise that Lorde was still a teenager, and didn’t they realise how cruel and unnecessary this was? Lorde, however, got it right away. She was completely able to see the joke for what it was, and even impersonated South Park’s impersonation of her.


Look, not everything that you say is going to come out right all the time. That’s the nature of having a brain so close to your mouth: they’re colleagues, sure, but they’re not always twins. So when Lorde gave a radio interview last week and referred to the difficulties of having a very famous friend, while yourself being famous – in this case, her friendship with Taylor Swift – it didn’t quite come out like it should.

“There are certain places you can’t go together. Certain things you can’t do. There are these different sets of considerations within the friendship. It’s like having a friend with an autoimmune disease.”

I mean, obviously this is a joke. But nonetheless, it didn’t stop people who have autoimmune diseases feeling like the butt of the joke, and that is also a very important thing to consider. Life lesson: your joke can obviously be a joke, but that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt people’s feelings.

“I f–ked up & that was really insensitive. I’m sorry,” Lorde tweeted, which is another life lesson: never be too big to say you’re sorry.

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