Every thought I had during the Pretty Little Liars finale (warning: contains a million spoilers)

Well, it finally happened. After seven long years of viewing, we finally found out who had been torturing the Liars. Or who had been torturing the Liars for the last season and a half, anyway.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. What follows is our break down of the entire episode (plus documentary evidence of my WhatsApp reactions with my friend Emily), so if you’re avoiding spoilers close this tab immediately. No, seriously, CLOSE IT. And if you’ve never watched PLL then I suggest you back away swiftly – there is nothing for you here.

Everyone else, welcome to the final installment of Pretty Little Liars…

*Sobs for a week*

Opening scene: The Liars are sitting in front of The Brew complaining about how hot it is outside. Then Lucas appears in white tails, does a little tap dance and leaves (oh my god, I am going to miss this show so much). Then Jenna comes by, on a horse and everyone’s totally chill about it because, well, this is Rosewood. Anything can happen. Which it does approximately three seconds later when it starts to snow. Oh ok, this is just inside Mona’s head. Gotcha.

Someone pass me the popcorn, I’m settling in.

Okay, now we’re a year head. That was fast. Aria and Ezra are happy, Spencer is hanging out with horses, Hannah and Caleb are fighting, Alison and Emily have twins(!) and Mona is out of the psych ward. I’m following so far.

The Liars decide to throw a party for Ezria at the Lost Woods Hotel, which Spencer now owns. Because nothing says ‘fun party’ like going to the very hotel where your torturer used to live, am I right? Then again, they also hang out at the Radley hotel all the time, which is a converted mental institution that Spencer was literally a patient at, so… who am I to judge?

They all look so happy, laughing and chatting and having a nice time (well, everyone aside from Haleb, who are making the whole thing really awkward). WAIT, there’s a person in the bushes wearing a hoodie! It’s Melissa! Seriously though, if she turns out to be A.D. I’m going to be really annoyed because she’s hardly been in the last few seasons and there’s no way she’s smart enough to pull this whole thing off. Oh wait, no – it’s Mona wearing a mask of Melissa. Jeez, this is going to be complicated, isn’t it?

Carrying on, Aria’s infertile, which seems like a strange and unnecessary storyline, but we’re going with it. Spencer and Mumma Drake are besties. WINE MOMS. THE WINE MOMS. They’re back and they’re drinking the wines and oh my god are they finally going to tell us how they escaped the doll house?!! Nope. False alarm, thanks for that Marlene. Also, I don’t like whatever is going on with Alison and Pam. I’ve never totally trusted Alison and I’m not loving this weird vibe she’s giving off at the moment.

Oh good, Emily’s with me. You go Emily. You demand to know what is going on. Oh, I love angry Emily. Oh my god. No. ALI IS PROPOSING. OH MY GOD. I TAKE IT ALL BACK. I AM NOW FIRMLY PRO-ALISON. I’ve always worried that Ali was just settling for Emily, which is why I could never get on board with the Emison fandom but now I’m into it. Sign me up.

However, I am, and always have been, staunchly pro Spoby, so I am very pleased with all of these developments. Oh, right, less pleased by Mona hitting Spencer over the head with an axe, but what can you do? New dungeon! This is a space-age one! SPENCER HAS A TWIN. THE INTERNET HAS BEEN VINDICATED. Ha, we guessed it Marlene! HOLY CRAP, WHAT IS THIS ENGLISH ACCENT? SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE IT STOP.

Like, what is this?! Why does she sound like Eliza Dolittle?! Evil Spencer knows Wren?! Evil Spencer is married to Wren. Evil Spencer had Wren shoot her in the shoulder so she looked exactly like Spencer. Totally normal behaviour. Oh, ok, then she killed him and turned his ashes into a diamond. She’s a real romantic, this Alex Drake. Wren is the baby daddy of Alison and Emily’s twins!

Oh, Mary Drake is here too! Trust PLL to have a family reunion in an underground bunker. I’m just going to put it out there, I don’t think Mary Drake is a great mum. I don’t think you should be so chill about the fact that one of your kids is keeping the other kid in an underground bunker. Oh god. now Ezra’s missing. Wait, it’s okay, he’s just in the bunker. I’m unclear as to why, but that hardly seems important at this point.

So Jenna and a horse realised that evil Spencer was pretending to be Spencer before her best friends did. I love the Liars, but guys, come on. A HORSE KNEW. Anyway, they are onto fake Spencer, yay, and they’ve realised that Ezra is missing rather than an asshole, excellent. Go Caleb, do your tech stuff. They’re going to make it and save good Spencer and Ezra!

Ha, like Spencer needs saving. All she needs is a hair grip and she can jiggle her way out of an intensely secure door. I really don’t feel like this show has a great grasp of how locks work, but hey.

Ohhhhh cool, there’s another “outside” layer to the dungeon. I’ve got to give it to evil Spencer, the girl has a strong dungeon game.

Oh my god, Toby’s going to have to work out which one is the real Spencer! Is he going to kiss them to work it out?! Buddy, you’ve been kissing the wrong one for few episodes, I’m not sure this is a good plan. Oh, ok, he’s asking about a poem. This is a better plan. So now they have the fake Spencer and Mona has called the cops and they’ve arrested her. Wait, is that it? Do they just get to be happy now? Is evil Spencer just going to jail?

HAHAHAHAHAHA of course she isn’t. Mona is keeping her in a bunker with Mary Drake. In France. BECAUSE OF COURSE SHE IS. Mona 100000% won End Game, I don’t care what anyone says.

No. No. This random Adison chick is not going missing. I do not care. I do not need a sequel. Please don’t do a sequel, Marlene.

Though, if you did I’d totally watch it. What can I say, I’m taking this show to the grave.

@LilyPesch

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