Pretty Little Liars is BACK, so here’s your ultimate plot recap of all the madness

I’ve stuck with Pretty Little Liars through a lot of crap.

I stuck with it through Ezra’s secret lab. I stuck with it through season four, where pretty much everyone ended up inside a creepy and frankly incredibly archaic mental institution. I hung around when that random Grunwald lady showed up, and through the murders that no ever seems to go to prison for (remember Ian? And Lyndon? And then there was Garrett, Shana, Jessica, Elliott/Archer, Sara and now Noel). I even kept watching when Spencer and Caleb dated, which is obviously absurd as you never, ever date your BFF’s ex.

But this series is coming to an end and while I’m going to miss these ridiculous plotlines with their absurd twists, I stopped really caring about those making sense years ago. What has kept bringing me back to PLL is the Liars themselves. Is it a realistic show? Unequivocally no. But there’s something about the friendships in it that remind me of my own (with fewer murders, obviously); these friends who have been through the weirdest of circumstances and still show up for each other, fight for each other, fight with each other and while their partners have all come and gone and swapped around, they’ve stuck together.

*wipes tear from keyboard*

Ok, so here it goes – a recap of where we left off. Brace yourselves, it’s intense.

Hanna

Hanna went a bit rogue in the summer finale and kidnapped Noel Kahn, desperate to prove that he was AD. Hanna’s even more intense than the rest of the Liars about finding out who AD is, because of her whole being-kidnapped-and-electrocuted-with-cattle-prongs-in-a-shed thing (the writers of this show have some seriously dark minds).

After she kidnapped him, she filmed the entire thing and cut his leg so she could take some of his blood for a DNA test to prove that he was Mary Drake’s mystery kid (more on that later)… but it turns out he’s not.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, Hanna’s a terrible kidnapper and Mona is an even more terrible babysitter. After stealing the USB drive of footage (seriously, have none of these people heard of The Cloud?) that proves Noel was part of the dollhouse weirdness, Hanna leaves Noel in Mona’s capable hands. But when she comes back with the rest of the Liars to question him, Noel and the camera that filmed her kidnapping him are gone. It’s unclear if Mona let him go on purpose or if he escaped.

But in some unequivocally good news, the summer finale also saw Hanna and Caleb get back together, which honestly, is about time. They’re perfect and we all love them. Haleb forever.

Spencer

Spencer’s just been shot. Some of the intrigue has been taken out of the whole situation because we know Spencer survives, but whatever. It looked like Jenna shot her, after Noel fell on his own axe and decapitated himself (sure, ok). But when Jenna regains consciousness in the back of AD’s van after AD smashed her over the head, she asks if AD shot Spencer. So who really pulled the trigger?

In other news, Spencer’s family tree is now more confusing than the whole Kardashian/Jenner/Hadid thing. I tried to draw a diagram to work it out, but even the diagram turned out confusing.

Basically, Mary Drake announced that she is Spencer’s mum, which was a weird plot twist. For those of you playing along at home, Mr and Mrs Hastings have Melissa. Mr and Mrs DiLaurentes have Alison. Mr Hastings and MARY DRAKE have Spencer while Mr Hastings and Mrs DiLaurentes have Jason. Let’s not forget that Mary Drake and Mrs D are IDENTICAL TWINS. Oh, and Mary Drake had Charles/Cece/Charlotte with…someone. We don’t know who. I smell a potential AD suspect. But leaving the weird family tree aside for a moment…

There’s also the whole Toby thing. Spencer and Toby shared one last kiss, despite the fact that Toby is married to Yvonne, a seemingly lovely lady who packs sandwiches for the road and Spencer is semi-dating the cop, Marco. Toby and Yvonne are moving away, but at the end of the episode, it’s clear they’ve been in a car crash and we’re betting that Toby walks away from this whole thing sans wife. Soz Yvonne. But we’re rooting for Spoby, even if it is the worst couple name of all time.

Aria

Aria and Ezra are engaged. Which is awful or great, depending on your point of view. But the woman he was engaged to before proposing to Aria, Nicole, who was presumed dead in the Colombian jungle, has just been discovered alive. Which is great for her. Less great for Aria. And probably a bit confusing for Ezra as he’s now engaged to two people.

To make it weirder, Aria and Ezra have co-written a book about the whole ‘girlfriend going missing in the Colombian jungle’ situation, which seems a little opportunistic and is probably about to get really awkward.

Emily

Emily is apparently dating Sabrina, but she’s spending a loooooot of time with Paige now that they’re both up for the same coaching job at Rosewood High (why, why would you want to go back there?!). But things got even more complicated for Emily’s love life when she stayed at Alison’s house and they had make-out sesh on the sofa. Which, urgh, Emily come on, you deserve better than her! Unsurprisingly, Paige and Alison have recommenced their lifelong power struggle over Emily, like she’s a newborn puppy rather than a living, breathing, adult, human woman.

Here’s to hoping that 7b is when Emily finally gets all the good things that she deserves.

Alison

Alison is pregnant, apparently with her now dead husband’s baby (Hanna ran over him and killed him and they buried the body somewhere. This is not their first hit and run, people), but this is PLL, so there’s no way it’s going to be as straightforward as Alison being pregnant by her dead doctor husband.

One of the theories floating around the internet is that Alison was impregnated by her dead doctor husband while she was in the other psych ward… but the egg is Emily’s. Hear me out, Emily tried to donate her eggs last season when she was broke and they were stolen by A. So what if it’s really Emily’s egg, growing in Ali’s body? And they use this as an excuse to finally be together, which for the record, I am a squillion percent against because Alison is so emotionally manipulative to Emily.

Got all that? No? Take notes if that helps you. Oh and if you’re wondering, yes, this scene at the beginning of season 6 WILL be addressed.

Happy watching, bitches.

@LilyPesch

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