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They’re back! Your ultimate Gilmore Girls cheat sheet

When Gilmore Girls – everyone’s favourite fast-talking, coffee-guzzling, soul-soothing mother/daughter lovefest – announced that it would be returning to our screens with a Netflix reunion series, Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life, there was an implicit challenge: to watch all seven seasons before the new one was released.

It’s been a tough and gruelling few months, as we and everyone we know tried to binge (or re-binge) the previous seven seasons before November 25th. It warmed our hearts, then broke our hearts, then warmed them all over again. There were hilarious moments, nail-biting moments, and moments where a rogue spoiler made us want to throw our pumpkin spice lattes at the wall (it’s ok Lily, I forgive you – Lauren).  

But that day is finally here, so for those of your who made it to the end of the series in time: congratulations!

For those of you who didn’t: fear not, we’ve put together a summary of all 153 episodes distilled into 700 words. Kind of. 

WARNING: what follows is basically one giant spoiler. If you don’t want to be spoiled, scroll no further.

Got that? On your marks, get set, GO!

This is Stars Hollow

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This is the small town in Connecticut where all the magic takes place. There’s a town square, a town troubadour, people get dragged out of bed in the middle of the night for town meetings, and there’s even a town fundraiser where everyone just sits in the square and knits. If you’ve never yearned to live in a tiny town where everyone knows your business before, you will now.

This is Lorelai Gilmore

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This is Lorelai Gilmore. She really likes coffee. She also likes junk food, sarcasm and winding up her mother, Emily, with whom she fell out when she got pregnant at 16 with her daughter, Rory. Lorelai and Rory, meanwhile, have the mother-daughter ‘best friend’ relationship everyone dreams of. They make each other laugh, they binge watch terrible films together and they eat medically inadvisable quantities of pizza and pop tarts.

This is Rory Gilmore

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This is also Lorelai Gilmore, but she goes by Rory. Yes, Lorelai named her daughter after herself because she’s awesome.

Rory is crazy smart. She got a scholarship to a fancy private school and ended up going to Yale University before getting a job working on Obama’s campaign (NBD). Rory is adored by pretty much everyone; her mum thinks she’s an angel, her grandparents tried to donate a building to Yale in her honour, boys fall at her feet and the town of Stars Hollow made her their poster girl Ice Cream Queen. Let’s be real, there’s no greater honour than that.

These are Emily and Richard Gilmore

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These are Lorelai’s parents. They are mega-posh. We’re talking: they have a MAID posh. But with their mega-poshness comes their tendency to disapprove of everything Lorelai does, from being a teen mom to loving a man who drives a truck to making too many jokes over the foie gras.

Sadly actor Edward Herrmann passed away two years ago (the trailer leads us to believe there will be a tribute to him – all the feels), but Emily Gilmore will be there, in all her sassy glory, organising lunches and cocktail parties and rocking a pant suit better than anyone since Hillary Clinton.

This is Luke Danes

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Luke. Oh Luke. Luke’s like those viral videos you see of bears that initially seem kinda grumpy and cross, but then do something super sweet and give you an overwhelming urge to reach through the screen and hug them.

He and Lorelai have your classic TV will-they-won’t-they relationship. Finally, after five seasons of *agonising*, they eventually started dating (yay!) and got engaged (double yay!) then lived happily ever after. Lol jks. Actually, Luke’s 12-year-old daughter appeared out of the blue, put a spanner in the works and Luke and Lorelai broke up (negative yays). But, the very end of the show saw them snogging in street – and the trailer for the reunion leads us to hope for more Luklai (this isn’t a thing, but let’s make it a thing) worked their differences out.

This is Christopher Haden

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Christopher is Rory’s absurdly handsome dad. He and Lorelai have more chemistry than your GCSE science textbook, but never quite seem to make it work. They were on-again-off-again throughout the series until they got married on a whim in Paris (plot twist!) after Luke and Lorelai broke off their engagement. Then they split up when Lorelai realised the reality of their relationship wasn’t quite as good as the version she had in her head. Damn reality.

This is Sookie St. James

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Sookie is Lorelai’s BFF, after Rory. She’s an incredible chef who co-owns The Dragonfly Inn with Lorelai (friendship goals). She’s your basic role model for clumsy, adorable sidekicks the world over. I mean, look at her dimples. Just look at them. She’s married to Jackson, who is her vegetable supplier (yep, that’s as cute as it sounds) and they have – eventually – three kids together.

This is Dean Forester

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Dean is Rory’s first love. They went to drive-in movies, they made out a lot, he built her a car WITH HIS BARE HANDS. Everything was perfect, until…

This is Jess Mariano

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Jess is the boy all parents fear. He wears a leather jacket. And a cuff. Look at the cuff. He reads intense philosophy books and has a lot of Deep Thoughts. He and Rory never so much broke up as Jess just disappeared, riding into the sunset on a horse (okay, I made up the bit about the horse).

This is Logan Huntzberger

logan

Rory meets Logan at Yale. Initially, she hates him, because let’s be honest, he’s a pretty hateable guy. He’s very blonde and very rich and is a member of a rich-people society called The Life and Death Brigade (seriously). Despite all this, she ends up falling in love with him and goes through a really rebellious phase where she gets arrested for stealing a yacht, drops out of Yale and moves in with her grandparents. It’s all very un-Rory. In the final season, Logan proposed to her in front of all her friends and family, which was pretty presumptuous of him. And awkward when she said no.

This is Lane Kim

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Lane is Rory’s BFF. When she and Rory were teenagers, she’d hide her rock ‘n’ roll love tendencies from her super strict Korean mother (FYI watching in 2016, this whole subplot seems slightly racist). She eventually falls in love with and marries her bandmate Zack, and gets pregnant with twins on their honeymoon (people in Stars Hollow are apparently rabbit-level fertile, and their sex ed classes really suck).

This is Paris Geller

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Rory’s rival-turned-roommate-and-friend, and also possibly the most intense woman in the world. She will almost certainly be President of the United States at some point. She also shares a surname with Monica and Ross from Friends, and we like to believe that somewhere in an alternative TV universe, they’re cousins.

So… what next?

There’s only one way to find out what happens in 2016 Stars Hollow, and that’s to watch it and see. But we’ve had a bash at our own predictions anyway, because it felt like the kind of thing Lorelai would do.

“The series will end with Rory giving birth to a daughter, who she also calls Lorelai.”

“Taylor and Miss Patty will elope and open a classical dance studio together, where they only teach dances that wouldn’t look out of place in Pride and Prejudice.”

Paris will be more successful than Rory. Rory’s cutesy Pollyanna act might have beat Paris in Chilton, but this is the real world, and in the real world, women like Paris run the Pentagon and women like Rory eat Pop Tarts with their mothers.”

“Dean will be back with Lindsay and will have voted Trump.”

Kirk is the social media manager for every small business in Stars Hollow now.”

“Emily Gilmore will have her grieving period over Richard, then become utterly FABulous.”

Lane will have split up with Zach years ago, and now has a pretty-popular-quite-respected art rock band in Boston. I don’t care what happens to the twins.”

“Mrs. Kim will run a Christian-themed 6:30am exercise bootcamp class in the square.”

“Jess will spend most of his time on Twitter, sliding into the DMs of women in their early 20s.”

So, there we go. Now you’re all caught up, you’re ready to watch the Gilmore Girls: A Year in the Life. Let the witty banter soothe your soul and bring a glimmer of happiness to 2016.

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Image: Manjit Thapp

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