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All the most extreme jeans to rock (or not) this year

Guys, I’m calling it. You know when you’ve been revising for too long and all the words just start to blur together on the page and you can’t make sense of anything? That’s happening right now around the country. But instead of confusing the dates of WW1, we’re confusing the most basic of human garments: jeans.

Things have got weird. Like, real weird.

I know I’m not designer, but I have watched a lot of Project Runway, so I feel qualified to have opinions on this. (FYI, I’m also one of the six people still watching Grey’s Anatomy and I am 99% sure I could perform brain surgery without a hitch).

Listen, I am as on board with fad as the next person. I bought a colouring book and got stressed by all the colouring. I own three cacti. I am currently wearing tassel earrings. And I want to get on board with this whole kooky jeans thing, I do, but I just… can’t. Like, objectively, they’re weird and fugly, right? Is that the point? If it is, why? Guys, I don’t get it. I’m like 20 seconds away from having an existential crisis over jeans. Jeans.

Jeans are meant to be the ponytail of the fashion game: solid, reliable, universal. They’re the Gilmore Girls of leg garments – the thing you throw on without thinking when you can’t quite be bothered to make a decision. The suffragettes fought for us to wear trousers (sort of) and I will not stand to see their legacy defaced by these fashion imposters.

And so, I’m calling it. We need to take a step back from jeans before we ruin them for good.

Exhibit A:

Topshop, Sold Out (why, dear god, why?!)

Window panel jeans. Sure, they solve the problem of ripped jeans making my knees chilly, but at what cost? At what cost?!

Exhibit B:

Sequin Mom Jeans, £65, Topshop

Where would you wear these? Unless you were going to a reptile themed disco – in which case, excellent costume!

Exhibit C:

Beach Split, £49, Topshop

I can see the train of thought here, “People loved the ripped jeans trend, so what if we did that but… vertical? And… neater?” Sorry team – I only like one slit in my pants thanks very much, and it’s where the zip goes.

Exhibit D:

Tinsel jeans, £55, Topshop

I love Christmas. But what are we doing, guys? No jeans should require their own hairbrush.


Exhibit E:

Kuccia, £75, Topshop

I feel like they were going for a ‘skort’ sort of vibe and failed. Spectacularly.

Exhibit F:

Plastic jeans, £55, Topshop (Sold Out) (Again, why? why?!)

Topshop, it hurts my heart to say this because I love you, but go home, you’re drunk. What are these? Why do they exist? WHAT ARE YOU MEANT TO WEAR UNDER THEM?! ARE THEY JUST A RAINCOAT FOR YOUR NETHER-REGIONS?! DON’T THEY JUST STICK TOGETHER THE WHOLE TIME? I DON’T UNDERSTAND. Why won’t someone help me understand! P.S. You just know these are going to appear in a Buzzfeed article in 10 years’ time headed, “What the hell were we thinking in 2017?”

Exhibit G:

Bum Jeans, £1250, Levi x VETEMENTS

But it’s not just Topshop. Levis, quite literally the inventors of jeans, are jumping aboard the weird jeans trend too. This pair have a zip, but for your bum! In case…. you need to poo? Actually would that even be useful? Why can’t I work out if this would be useful? Anyway, they’re £1250. ONE THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS.

Exhibit H:

Barracuda, £350, Nordstrom

And for the guys in your life, they get to wear regular jeans… but covered in mud! Sure. For festival vibes without the festival.

Maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe these are all magnificent pieces of design and in six months time I’ll be rocking transparent jeans and trying desperately to have this article removed from the internet.

Or maybe, guys, I’ve just saved you all a lot of cash. You can thank me later.


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