Sponsored by Candy Kittens
Halloween, what a beauty. It’s the one time of year that your parents allow you to gorge on as many sweets as physically possible with absolutely no consequences, no limits and no nagging about sugar and teeth – just indulgent candy. ALL. NIGHT. LONG. Mmmmm.
Heck, you’re basically Augustus Gloop, Bruce Bogtrotter and Joey Tribbiani all rolled into one. But does anyone else feel like Hallows Eve is a full-blown emotional eating rollercoaster? All the treats bring all the feels, after all.
Here are the seven stages we experience on loop, every single year…
Yaaaaaaaas. SO. MANY. SWEETS. I’m probably, actually in heaven. Which one first? Does it matter? They can all get in my mouth.
Okay, OMG, did I actually just eat *all* of that? My veins are literally running with chocolate. Is a candy coma a thing because I think I might be about to slip int…Zzzzzz.
I mean, I’m impressed with myself because that was basically a professional eating standard but I knew this wasn’t going to end well. Why can’t I just pace myself like a normal human? My jeans won’t do up (I should have put my eating pants on, tbf) and I have the beginnings of some mean old stomach cramps. Yay.
OUCH. I honestly think I am about to give birth to a tiny chocolate monster who loves kicking the inside of my stomach like a football. Mmmm I haven’t eaten my chocolate footballs yet. NO. Remember this pain. No more chocolate. I need to lie down.
5. Sugar high
Where’s my brother? I feel like annoying him. Hey, his bed is pretty bouncy. Why isn’t he paying me enough attention? I mean, I know he’s asleep but GOD. Why’s he not laughing? This story I’m telling is hilarious. The song on the radio is sooo good, too. Isn’t my dancing great? HELLO?!
6. Come down
Why are my limbs so tired? Like I actually think they’re made of lead right now. I have never needed a nap so much. Yep, even when I was a baby. Ask my mum. The sweet struggle is real.
Okay wow, that was amazing. I smashed my way through 9 chocolate bars, 6 packets of sweets, some sherbert straws and a litre of pop. I am the candy champion of the world. Only 364 days until I can do the whole thing all over again. BEST DAY EVER.