1. Like a tiny man is busking in your uterus and has fashioned your fallopian tubes into guitar strings, so he can gently pluck them… constantly. Day and night. The same tunes, again and again.

2. Like someone’s replacing the cheese on their spag bol for your uterus and is ferociously grating it with all the strength they have because WHY NOT, EH.

3. Like some douchebag has snuck up on you and punched your uterus hard square in the face, then run away with plans to come back in approx. 10 minutes and do it again.

4. Like your P.E. teacher has decided that today’s dodgeball session will take place in your uterus and the whole school is playing.

5. Like an overenthusiastic orchestra conductor has mistaken your uterus for the Royal Albert Hall, is waving his arms incredibly dramatically, causing an absolute ruckus and EVERYTHING IS JUST A BIT TOO MUCH.

6. Like your uterus has gained actual sentience and is trying to claw its way out of your body for the great escape to freedom.

7. Like the douchebag from earlier has come back and given your fanny a bruised black eye. THROBBING. WHY THE THROBBING FANNY?!

8. Like it’s raining and the kids next door have decided to play Swingball in your uterus (instead of spending hours on YouTube like normal kids).

9. Like someone’s wringing out your uterus like a flannel.

10. Like your nan’s tied your fallopian tubes into a pretty little bow for her cat.

11. Like a Brownie group are camping in your uterus but have had too much sugar on their first night away from their families and are screaming, ‘KOOKABURRA SITS IN THE OLD GUM TREE’ while running around playing Tag and you’re just weeping.

12. Like your uterus is about to do a bungee jump and is shaking with nerves so much it might actually fall out.

13. Like someone is using your ovaries as stress balls.

14. Like you’ve got those really weird pins and needles in your foot where it’s super numb but if you try and move it a fraction then it suddenly vibrates and feels SO WEIRD.

No?? Just me?

Oh. 

@louisejonesetc

It’s time you started celebrating your period, guys. Sign up to bettybox RN and get all your tampons and pads, beauty products, sweet treats and loads more cool stuff delivered to your door, every single month. We know. It’s totally awesome. 

Image: Hailey Hamilton

I started trombone lessons in primary school.

I was so proud to play such a shiny, golden instrument that nearly measured the same height as me and played a loud, fat noise. I’d carry the big, black case onto my school bus and my classmates would eye it up, full of intrigue and admiration. Well, they actually didn’t even bat an eyelid, but I felt super important anyway, like a child protégé.

Then, high school happened.

Now, I know that the trombone isn’t exactly the sexiest instrument out there, but it’s a ruddy important one in any jazz band or orchestra. That didn’t stop older kids from shouting out ‘Are you carrying a coffin?’ in the corridor, and it didn’t make swapping lunchtime gossiping for music lessons any easier.

I soon gave in to the jibes and my weakness for playground fun, and packed it in – leaving my forgotten trombone to collect dust in our attic. Well over a decade later, I often look back and think about what a cotton-headed ninny-muggins I was for not realising what a wonderful opportunity I had with those music lessons.

Playing an instrument is the surest way of being cool. Think about it. Would Ed Sheeran have reached PHWOAR status without the aid of his guitar? Would Taylor Swift have world domination if she never picked up her first guitar? Would HAIM bass-face be a thing without the bass? Of course not. They’d probably be doing cold-calling insurance sales.

And it’s not just the famous rock and pop folks either.

Imagine playing in an orchestra while precious ballerinas perform Swan Lake, prancing along the stage that’s just above your little star-filled head. Oh jeez, imagine being the harp player. I ALWAYS fixate on the harp player and think ‘that has to be the coolest job in the world, even cooler than being an Ice Cream Taster’.

If classical music isn’t your thing, picture yourself getting jazzy in a brass band at a cool club in London, like something out of a Fitzgerald novel. I recently had a fantastically fun Saturday at a Brixton dancing spot where a brass band played their own interpretations of modern hits from the likes of Kanye West to Daft Punk. It was hard to tell who was having more of a blast – the crowd or the band.

And you could even be in the band that plays on Strictly Come Dancing, or is that just a dream that belongs to me and a few dozen other elderly Charleston fanatics with a bad taste in TV?

Sure, it can be tough to practice an instrument while you’re still at school, for a variety of reasons. It can be nerve-wracking playing in front of other pupils, frustrating using your spare time to perfect the latest piece and hard to accept that some people who don’t share your musical flair (and who are most probably jealous of your talent) can be a bit mean.

But if you do enjoy it, try to forget everything else and just do it.

You won’t ever regret spending ‘too much time’ at band practice when you end up rocking Wembley stage! It’s no secret that Taylor faced the haters while growing up, but instead of giving in, she took the ultimate revenge by turning it all into pure pop magic material in hits like Mean.

Last Christmas, my lovely mum gave me a guitar. I was over the moon and vowed to practice as often as I could. Within months I could play David Bowie’s Heroes, Taylor Swift’s All Too Well and Elvis Presley’s Can’t Help Falling in Love. It’s hard to describe how wonderful it is to be able to play some of my favourite songs, regardless of how completely out of time and tune I perform them. But I imagine it’s similar to how Billy Elliot feels when he’s dancing, like electricity.

And that’s why learning to play an instrument is absolutely rocks.

@hlouiser89

Image: Getty

It’s time you started celebrating your period, guys. Sign up to bettybox RN and get all your tampons and pads, beauty products, sweet treats and loads more cool stuff delivered to your door, every single month. We know. It’s totally awesome. 

Halloween is creeping up on us (don’t turn round) but if you haven’t even thought about a costume yet, don’t panic – I’ve got you covered.

Before you rush out to your nearest shop to buy that last lonely tube of fake blood left on the seasonal shelf, I’ve gathered some of my favourite zero-gore, totally minimum-effort Halloween make up ideas that you can do with the products you probably already have at home, as tested on a real life face. Mine. Ideal to have on standby as a quick solution for those last-minute party plans your mates will probably spring on you.

Cheaty tips
  • I didn’t have any face paint so I just used some eye shadow with a layer of Vaseline underneath to give it a bit more grip and make the colours stand out against my skin!
  • Don’t worry if your hand is shaky. I like to use an eyeliner pencil to draw an outline and then go over it with liquid eyeliner to make those lines stand out better. And you can always tidy up the edges afterwards.

Spider queen

screen-shot-2016-10-26-at-13-50-41Because why wouldn’t you want an incy wincy spider climbing up the side of your mouth? Sparkly eye shadow is always fun, so use it as a base for your cobweb to really draw attention to your spidey-eye.

Difficulty: 4/10. Scariness: 4/10. Products used: 3.

You’ll need:
Sparkly eye shadow in your favourite colour 
Vaseline
Black kohl pencil and/or liquid eyeliner

 

Creepy dollscreen-shot-2016-10-26-at-13-48-51

This is probably one of the creepiest of the lot, so we wouldn’t blame you if you get progressively freaked out as you finish off the look. Team with a cute dress and pigtails for the full package.

Difficulty: 5/10. Scariness: 8/10. Products used: 4.

You’ll need:
White face paint or eyeshadow
Black face paint or eyeshadow
Red lipstick
Black kohl pencil and/or liquid eyeliner

 

Dead seriousscreen-shot-2016-10-26-at-13-50-23

You can’t fault a classic, guys. We love this one because it’s so soooo easy to pull off and you can also get away with putting minimal effort in to your outfit. Because skeletons still wear clothes, okay?

Difficulty: 3/10. Scariness: 7/10. Products used: 3.

You’ll need:
Black face paint or eye shadow
Whit face paint or eye shadow
Black kohl pencil and/or liquid eyeliner

 

Not-so-funny jester

screen-shot-2016-10-26-at-13-49-13

The humble jester is always a winner. Not too lol, not too scary; ticks all the boxes. Admittedly it’s a little bit fiddly to draw the shapes around your eyes, but if you take your time and draw outlines with pencil eyeliner first, you’ll nail it.

Difficulty: 6/10. Scariness: 6/10. Products used: 3

You’ll need:
Colourful eye shadow in your favourite colour
Vaseline
Black kohl pencil and/or liquid eyeliner

 

Lioness

screen-shot-2016-10-26-at-13-49-51-1

Forget the pet cat, it’s all about the lion! This is a really fun one if you’re not into the whole scary thing but want something cool to dress up as. Once you’ve got all of your features down, shower shimmery bronzer along your cheekbones and forehead to really get glow that Aslan glow.

Difficulty: 5/10. Scariness: 2/10. Products used: 4

You’ll need:
Highlighter/concealer/foundation one or two shades lighter than your skin tone
Black kohl pencil and/or liquid eyeliner
White face paint or eye shadow
Bronzer. Lots of it.

@JazKopotsha

It’s time you started celebrating your period, guys. Sign up to bettybox RN and get all your tampons and pads, beauty products, sweet treats and loads more cool stuff delivered to your door, every single month. We know. It’s totally awesome.