1. TODAY WILL BE THE DAY. The day the stars align, the odds are in my favour and the goddess of steady-handedness decides to bless me and my kitten flicks. I can feel it. I’m about to achieve pure cosmetic perfection.
2. Just a few stretches to get my hand and wrist warmed up. That’s only sensible.
3. Mouth open, obviously. The day anyone can apply eye makeup with their mouth closed is the day the universe implodes.
4. Now I’ll just casually sweep it on. Relaxing is the key; everyone knows that liquid eyeliner can smell fear. Aaaaaand *sweep*.
5. Brilliant! Almost perfect! Probably make contact with your skin this time though.
6. Don’t blink. Do. Not. Blink. Imagine you’re trying to apply eyeliner with the Weeping Angels from Doctor Who on your case. Except relaxed. Aaaaaand *sweep*.
7. Well, there is eyeliner on my eyelid. That is progress. It’s definitely there, can’t argue with that. But maybe doing it in one casual sweep is a mistake? I’m not rollering a wall, I’m creating art. I’m going to wipe it off and start again.
8. Small strokes this time! Teeny tiny delicate precise littl-
9. Ah. Ah, now what you did there was just jab yourself in the eye, wasn’t it? That’s it, cry it out. Sneeze a bit. Deep breaths.
10. Maybe you should look down into a mirror the way they tell you to in magazines. Although don’t get distracted by being able to see up your own nose. There’s a time and a place for looking up your own nose with a mirror, and it’s called Sunday afternoon revision session.
11. THERE WE GO. A lovely bold, smooth line. I am the Leonardo Da Vinci of liquid eyeliner!
12. And another one! I am the Michaelangelo of makeup. Just going to go over the first one again, to make sure they’re even.
13. Crap. Now I’m the Picasso. All I need is a nose on my cheek.
14. Even them up. Bit more on the other eye… bit more on the first… hmm. Spitty finger… little wipe… back to the other one… oh god don’t start caking…
15. Back on track! More Amy Winehouse than originally intended, but s’fine. Thick liner shows up better in selfies, everyone knows that.
16. Just going to build up the flicks a bit more. Nothing extreme, just an elegant little swish.
17. Right. Right, now I have a beautiful Nike tick-type swish on one eye and a cool blocky swoosh on the other eye. They both have artistic value in their own right, but which one shall I sacrifice?
18. I CANNOT CHOOSE. This is like having to pick between your babies.
19. Ok, tick swish wins. Congratulations, tick swish! Sorry, blocky swoosh. You’re getting The Bud.
20. And now, to perfectly recreate the tick swish on the other eye. Which is famously always easy.
21. Nope. Bring on The Bud.
22. Better. But wonky. Bud it.
23. Aha! Now that one is almost a better flick than the original eye! Actually do I prefer that flick? Should I sacrifice the old flick or stay loyal to my original artistic vision?
24. Or leave them both, because I’m already 10 minutes late and anyway how many people look at your whole face front-on? Not many, probably. Maybe none! Maybe it’s better to have two non-matching flicks that are both gorgeous in their own right? Because anyway, nothing in nature is perfectly symmetrical and imperfection is beautiful. They’re sisters, not twins! Or is that eyebrows? Anyway, decided. I’m leaving them. They’re good enough.
26. I’ll just try to add a bit more to the original flick, even them up a bit…
27. … where did I put The Bud?
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Image: Katie Edmunds