My best ever Halloween costume was the time I dressed up as Margaret Thatcher – complete with cardboard and kitchen foil iron (she was The Iron Lady, after all). It was easy to assemble (a blue vintage dress, a cheap wig and the aforementioned iron), original and 100% not sexy: everything I look for in a Halloween outfit. Because the thing is, there’s nothing more boring than being the girl at the party dressed as a sexy witch. Or even worse, a sexy cat. *Shudder*

So, if you’d like to follow my lead and find yourself a last-minute, cheap as chips, easy-peasy and totally un-sexy Halloween outfit that no one else will have thought of (unless, you know, they’ve also read this), here are some suggestions…

1% phone battery

Is there any greater modern woe than finding yourself miles from a charger with only 1% battery? Of course there isn’t. Which is why 1% battery is the perfect Halloween look. Wear: head to toe black (could it BE any easier?), then simply top off with a 1% battery sign (which you can either print off or hand draw). I’d wear mine as a massive headdress (think flower headdress, but techie), but you could also stick it on your top. Easy peasy.

Roadkill

If you really have to go out dressed as an animal, may I suggest you go as one which has been run over? Because, well, this is Halloween after all. Smaller animals such as squirrels and hedgehogs work best for this. Simply wear the standard animal costume (fluffy tail, ears etc) and then accessorise with black tire marks and fake blood. Lots of fake blood.

Internet troll

Sadly lots of us will have encountered an internet troll at some point (boo), and while IRL you absolutely shouldn’t engage with them (it’s all about the block and reporting, peeps), as far as I know, there aren’t any rules against dressing up like one for Halloween.

Costume-wise, dress up like one of those Troll toys from the 90s (V topical, as the Troll movie starring Anna Kendrick and Justin Timberlake has just hit the screens), and jazz it up by pinning on some suitably spiteful comments. Oh, and obviously make sure to be extra loud and obnoxious all night.

Your ex

I don’t know what they looked like, what they wore or even how it ended, but I know they totally deserve to be lambasted in the form of your 2016 Halloween outfit. Probably. Or if not, feel free to go as one of mine (tweet me for details)!

Period on white trousers/ skirt/ dress

Too far? I think not! As anyone who has ever experienced this doom will attest – it is the absolute worst. All you’ll need is some white clothing (which a quick trip to Primark or your local charity shop should sort) and some red food dye or fake blood. Best of all, it’ll freak out all the menfolk. Boom. 

@MissSisiG