Hey, it’s better to give it a break anyway… probably
1. Oh god it is too early for any human to be awake. Why did Yesterday Me think Today Me would want to get up at this time and wash her hair? Was she deluded?
2. Let’s assess the damage. Maybe this is the point where it supposedly starts conditioning itself? Maybe it’ll look magically fresh and elegantly dishevelled and I can go back to sleep!
3. Please let it look magically fresh and elegantly dishevelled.
5. How can pillows cause so much chaos when they are so soft and lovely? Did I accidentally sleep in a hedge without realising?
6. No. No, I’d have scratches from the… twigs.
7. It’s fiiine, it’s just a little bit rumpled. Those kinks will probably drop right out.
8. Who am I kidding, my roots look like a mountain range. I could have tiny groups of people doing their Duke of Edinburgh Award on my head.
9. But there is one simple, easy solution! WET IT DOWN.
13. There we go, all wetted. I look great. I look slick. I look like Chrissy Teigen crossed with Lucius Malfoy. Although of course I can’t go back to bed now because my head is wet and the pillow will make it worse, so nice one genius.
14. It’s fine, I’ll wait for it to dry while making a nutritious breakfast and catching up on current affairs.
15. JK, I’m going to scroll through Instagram with one eye open for the exact length of time it would have taken to wash my hair anyway.
16. Ok it still looks wet. Is it still wet… or just greasy? Please let it be wet.
17. Nup. Grease.
18. Brilliant. Brilliant. And now I don’t have time to wash it anyway, so I guess this is the hair we’re going with today. Brilliant.
19. Thank god for dry shampoo though. How did anyone cope in the days when shampoo only came wet?
20. Hats. That was what hats were for.
21. Right, just a modest spritz and my head will be fresh as a daisy again. Just a leeeetle bit.
22. And a leeetle bit more…
23. …and a leetle bit mo- oh right, too much and now I look like the ghost of Christmas past. I am Moaning Myrtle. I am Mary Berry’s Victoria sponge cake.
24. Although a Victoria sponge cake probably involves less grease, tbh.
25. Brush it through! It’s fiiiiine, just massage it in with your fingers like they tell you to on the can, then brush it out. Keep brushing. And a bit more.
26. And a bit more.
27. Maybe if I wet it down again?
29. Right, roots looking better. Still a bit dusty. But that’s ok, that’s just… vintage-inspired. ‘Heritage’, they’d probably call it in Vogue. I have heritage hair. I am very on-trend. I will be like one of those aristocratic models who is too cool and posh and bohemian to be clean.
30. It’s better for your hair not to wash it anyway! Everyone knows that. Unless that’s one of those lies people tell themselves, like ‘actually fruit is worse for you than a burger’.
31. Now I must tackle the weird twisty bits and flat bits. I could do this the sensible and careful way, by using a suitable protector spray and easing them out with my hairdryer on a moderate heat. Or I could do them the lazy way, by battering them with my hair straighteners until they behave.
32. My poor hair. I am terrible to my hair. I wouldn’t blame it if one day it just got up and left me.
33. *whisper* Please don’t leave me, hair.
34. Is that… toast? Is someone making me toast?
35. Nope, that is my hair burning. That’s the delicious waft of baked human proteins, that is. Blech.
36. Should I just sack it all off and put it up? A messy bun, that’ll solve everything! Praise be to the messy bun! I should have done this right from the beginning.
37. Well, it’s definitely messy. I have ticked that box. But it’s not exactly messy the way that messy buns are on Pinterest, is it? It’s less like lovely voluminous #croissanthair and more like a kind of… partially digested teacake.
39. May as well whack a bit of serum on, see if that’ll help. And some salt spray. And a tiny bit more dry shampoo.
41. Hats. This is what hats are for.
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Image: Katie Edmunds