Ok, everyone knows your period is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s a perfectly natural – if sometimes irritating – part of life.

However, as natural and wonderful and empowering as your period might be, very few of us want to bellow “HIYA I’M MENSTRUATING” at our friends when we’re walking down the road. So in case you find them useful, we asked 38 women for their favourite period euphemisms. You are welcome.

1. Aunt Flo

2. Surfing the crimson wave

3. Ladies’ week

4. Mr P

5. Nature’s mess

6. Menzies

7. Josie’s visiting – ”My Mum always said Josie’s visiting. Then it became just Josie. Never managed to make friends with any women called Josie – too many associations”

8. On the blob

9. Shark week

10. The moon sickness

11.Me and my friends have long referred to it as our ‘pez’. ‘Can’t go swimming today I’m on my pez’ or sometimes ‘pezza’, or ‘the ol’ pezza’.”

12. A Leona situation (ie. bleeding love)

13. Happy-fun-lady-time!

14. “I liked it when Tina Fey referred to it as ‘Aunt Blood'”

15. Having the painters in

16. Falling to the communists

17. Pez dispenser

18. “At my school girls say they’re ‘flying’. Because of the wraparound wings.”

19. Molly has come to visit

20. “My four-year-old sister calls it ‘nappy week'”

21. Rag week

22. Code red

23. Arsenal are playing at home

24. “My boyfriend and I refer to it as ‘my curse’ as a tongue-in-cheek reference to what men called it in the olden days”

25. The Red Sea is flowing

26. “My boyfriend calls it ‘Hanna time’”

27. Lunar flow

28. Ordering ‘l’omelette rouge’

29. Aunt Irma’s in town

30. Bloody Mary

31. Flowers

32. Dracula’s teabag

33. Lucifer’s waterfall

34. Reboot

35. Having your fairies

36. Hiding from Joffrey

37. Bernard

And my absolute, absolute favourite.

38. My Dolmio Day.

Mmm.

@orbyn

Image: Hailey Hamilton

It’s time you started celebrating your period, guys. Sign up to bettybox RN and get all your tampons and pads, beauty products, sweet treats and loads more cool stuff delivered to your door, every single month. We know. It’s totally awesome. 

Despite using calendars and tracking apps, I’m not always absolutely sure when my menses is on the way. Sometimes it takes me by surprise. I’ll be out minding my own business and suddenly be aware of a… dampening.

You know, the curious, sticky sensation that makes you worry that not only has your period turned up by surprise, but it’s also making the sort of entrance that RuPaul might deem too flamboyant for Drag Race.

When that happens, here’s what’s going through my mind. And your mind. Probably.

1. Gosh, my bum feels sweaty! Maybe it’s these tights…

2. Or…

3. Oh no, oh no, oh no!

4. There must be PINTS of blood down there already. Enough to fill a milk bottle! Or a Coke bottle! How can I sneak out and deal with this?

5. Just going to check on the App store to see if there’s anything in teleportation.

6. They have an app that tells you, TO THE SECOND, when it’s going to stop raining, but not one that will magic me from my chair to the toilet. MODERN TECHNOLOGY IS POINTLESS.

7. When I get up, the force of the blood is going to lift me straight to the ceiling. Like I’m sitting on a bust fire hydrant. As if I’m starring in a remake of Do The Right Thing meets Carrie.

8. I’m wearing white pants. Why would I ever wear white pants? Why do I even own white pants?

9. I bet it’s all over my jeans.

10. I bet it’s over the chair.

11. How can I get period blood off a chair without anyone noticing? Will I have to break into the building at night with a tub of Vanish, and tights over my head?

12. I wonder if I can slide my hand under my bum and check how bad the damage is.

13. It’s got through! It’s happened! It’s… oh, it’s a bit of pink felt tip.

14. Maybe I could drop to my knees and silently roll across the floor, like an unseen ninja, and the force of my propelling body would stop the blood from gushing everywhere.

15. Or I’ll get stuck with my rear end in the air and give everyone a prolonged view of my blood-soaked crotch.

16. Can I slowly, slowly edge to the side of the room, and then scuttle out sideways like a crab? I think I can.

17. I don’t have any tampons on me. Or change for the machine. I could message someone when I’m there… but my phone has 8 per cent battery.

18. I guess I’ll just have to live in the toilet.

19. Right, up and clench, and clench. Channel the crab, the menstrual icon of the sea. You’re on a mission to the other side of the seabed, defending your pearls…. ah, no, that might be oysters.

20. This must be good for my bum, all the clenching. Maybe I’ll patent this technique as an exercise movement. I could be Instagram famous! The Period Power Workout!

21. Phew. Safe in the toilet. Now to face the mess, clean up, and… oh.

Just a sweaty bum after all, then.

Kermit the Frog screaming gif

@NotRollergirl

Image: Kate Forster

It happens to the best of us – we fill our drawers, bags, pockets and cabinets with everything we need to prepare for our periods, but every so often we get caught out, just because it’s a couple of days early, we’re not at home and we’re wearing the wrong coat. Here’s what goes through our minds, once we’ve finished silently screaming “Noooooooo!”

1. WHY? Why am I so disorganised? My life would be so different if I remembered, and got up before 7AM to make healthy lunch salads, and liked herbal tea more than hot chocolate, and meditated. Why don’t I sew them inside the lining of my jacket? Like they probably did during the war?

2. Actually, what did they use during war time? Were they rationed?

3. Were they…knitted? I suppose they’d be quite easy to knit. You’d unpick your husband’s suits, while he was away fighting, making do, being brave on the home front…

4. Urghhhh. The chafing, though.

5. It’s probably not long until we can have them airlifted to us, by drone, the second we need them. I am not disorganised. I am merely evolving slightly ahead of technology.

6. Still, that would be a bit awkward, the sound of a very noisy drone flying overhead while you’re in the loo. Although the person pooing in the next cubicle might be grateful.

7. I can picture the lovely tampons in my bathroom. A whole, fresh packet, singing with availability and newness! Maybe I can teleport one here using the power of my mind. Like Matilda.

8. So I am not Matilda. Still, it is better to be slightly uncomfortable and not have magical powers than to have superhuman abilities, horrible parents and a headmistress who might lock me in a spiky cupboard.

9. Imagine getting your period in The Chokey. The period would probably be frightened back into your uterus.

10. I really fancy some of Bruce Bogtrotter’s cake, though.

11. It’s OK, I just need to do a crab scuttle to the toilets and use wadded up loo roll. Although didn’t that girl from Year 11 have a cousin who did that at a festival and got toxic shock syndrome?

12. Oh, no, she was the one who had six cans of Red Bull and tried to run up the side of a Portaloo.

13. I wonder whether I should get special knickers that would absorb the period, for emergencies like this.

14. Or a commode, like a Queen. If men had periods, Henry VIII would have invented something long ago that meant no-one had to get up or move for the entire week.

15. I’ll just check my pocket. I have 19 Polos, from six different packets, some old tissues and a broken bit of key ring.

16. Oooh, and a lip balm!

17. I don’t remember this lip balm, the packaging feels a bit odd. Actually, it feels a bit like…

18. Ah. Ahahahahahahaha! I knew I wasn’t that disorganised!

19. Quite glad I didn’t ruin the lining of my jacket, now I think about it.

@NotRollergirl

It’s time you started celebrating your period, guys. Sign up to bettybox RN and get all your tampons and pads, beauty products, sweet treats and loads more cool stuff delivered to your door, every single month. We know. It’s totally awesome. 

1. Are they walking towards me?

2. Does my breath smell?

3. Why did I have a tuna sandwich for lunch?

4. Why did I have a tuna sandwich ever? Tuna is the kryptonite of romance.

5. My arms feel weird.

6. Should I cross them?

7. Or just leave them by my sides?

8. Oh my god, what do I normally do with my arms?! WHY IS THIS SO HARD.

9. What should I say?

10. “Hey!”? Nope. Too American.

11. “Hi”? Too simple.

12. “Howdy?” Wait, am I suddenly in a 50s Western film?

13. Maybe I’ll just nod. Nodding says, “I acknowledge you exist, but your presence doesn’t make me want to run away to Spain with you and tattoo your name on my bicep or anything.” Nodding is cool. Right?

14. Right?!

15. Oh my god, they’re coming! No, no no – they’re right here.

16. “G’day partner, do your arms ever feel weird?”

17. Nailed it.

It’s time you started celebrating your period, guys. Sign up to bettybox RN and get all your tampons and pads, beauty products, sweet treats and loads more cool stuff delivered to your door, every single month. We know. It’s totally awesome. 

Image: Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging

Ah, love. It’s a tricky bastard. Love means a million different things to a million different people, and sometimes it’s hard to tell if what you’re feeling is true love, intense like, a raging crush or just the first twinges of indigestion.

But sometimes, you just know. Shakespeare had his summer’s day, Jane Austen had her country dances… and we have the moment you decide to share your Netflix password. Here are some 2017 signs that you’re probably, definitely, in love.

1. You let them take the stamp for your coffee on their loyalty card.

2. You actually put your phone down when they talk to you.

3. You offer them the last slice of pizza.

4. …then they say, ‘No, you have it.’

5. You agree to see La La Land for a second time, even though musicals make you want to punch things.

6. Even Snapchat knows you’re together and puts two pink hearts next to their name.

7. You can share a tent at a festival in August for a whole four days and still be speaking to them at the end.

8. They let you practice everything you learned from Dr Pimple Popper on their chin.

9. You’ve felt a strange and overwhelming urge to give them your wifi code.

10. There are more strips of adorable photobooth pictures in your purse than actual cards or money.

11. Every meme they tag you in actually makes you laugh, not just like to be polite.

12. You have Instagram notifications turned on for them, even if they’re a six-nearly-identical-blurry-selfies-at-once person. Even then.

13. They are the very first person you WhatsApp “SNOW!!!!! ❄️☃️❄️☃️” to when it snows.

14. And sad faces to when it turns to rain three minutes later.

15. You know their exact Starbucks order, and recite it faithfully even when it’s embarrassingly long.

16. You look at them the way everyone looks at Beyoncé.

It’s time you started celebrating your period, guys. Sign up to bettybox RN and get all your tampons and pads, beauty products, sweet treats and loads more cool stuff delivered to your door, every single month. We know. It’s totally awesome. 

Image: Getty

1. You promise to message and meet up all the time.

text-ok

2. You judge each other’s uniform.

Total idiot gif

3. They quickly find new friends and you get protective. How dare they.

Big Brother 'who is she?' gif

4. You stalk everyone involved in any second of your spare time.

Modern Family stalk gif

5. You debate joining a sports team just so you can go to their school and fight the new friends.

What team gif

6. Your best friend starts to change and you don’t like it. At all. You agreed Snapchat filters were overrated and now look! She’s wearing a flower crown!

Shady Real Housewives gif

7. The “Do you mind if so-and-so comes?” texts start to roll in and encroach on your BFF time.

She doesn't even go here gif

8. Your parents start to ask why you haven’t mentioned your best friend in ages.

fine I don't know gif

9. But then, suddenly, they turn up in your Facebook messages when something goes wrong. They need you and only you.

Best friend back

10. And you realise that no matter where you are, how you’ve changed, and what you’re doing, that’s just life and you’ll always be each other’s number one.

Flying hug gif

10a. (Fine, and the new friends are actually ok…)

Easy A screaming gif

@louisejonesetc

It’s time you started celebrating your period, guys. Sign up to bettybox RN and get all your tampons and pads, beauty products, sweet treats and loads more cool stuff delivered to your door, every single month. We know. It’s totally awesome. 

1. Five more minutes of TV and then I’ll start my homework

[Five minutes later…]

2. Damn, that went fast.

3. OK, another five minutes and I’ll go get my schoolbag.

[Another five minutes later…]

4. Is it scientifically possible to be glued to the sofa?

5. Like, this might be a genuine condition. I can’t move. Could I get a doctor’s note and not have to do my homework?

6. I’ll Google it.

7. Crap, left my phone in my schoolbag. Plan B…

8. “MUUUUMMM! CAN YOU GET MY SCHOOLBAG?”

9. Why is she ignoring me? It’s like she wants me to fail.

10. Maybe if I flick the channel I’ll find something as dull as double chemistry. That counts as homework, right?

11. The Big Bang Theory is basically science. That’ll do.

[Thirty minutes later…]

12. Just one more episode…

13. If Sheldon can track his bowel movements and still find a girlfriend then why am I single?

14. Maybe I’ll start tracking my bowel movements.

15. No, that would be gross.

16. Now I need to pee.

17. Picked up my schoolbag on the way back from the toilet because I’m a multi-tasking GENIUSSS.

18. *opens laptop* I’ll just check Facebook…

19. Wait, there’s a picture of Megan and Ollie kissing at the ice rink. Are they DATING?!

20. I can’t believe she didn’t tell me.

21. OMG I just tagged myself in their photo. Right on his mouth. DE-TAG DE-TAG.

22. Like, how did I even manage that?

23. I’ll never be able to show my face at school again.

24. Maybe I’ll run away to Japan and set up a cat cafe.

25. I could become a professional cat vlogger. Cat-ogger? A clogger?

26. Must come up with a better name.

27. Taylor Swift has good cat videos. I’ll just check her Instagram for research…

28. Her cats are travelling by private jet while I’m forced to sit at home doing algebra.

29. I wish I was a cat. Cats are so sassy.

30. If I was a cat I’d sit on my bed all day glaring at my human until it petted me.

31. But instead I’ve got homework to do. Where’s the justice?

32. I really should do my homework…

33. Just five more minutes.

Taylor Swift bored

@SusannaLazarus

It’s time you started celebrating your period, guys. Sign up to bettybox RN and get all your tampons and pads, beauty products, sweet treats and loads more cool stuff delivered to your door, every single month. We know. It’s totally awesome. 

Image: Hailey Hamilton

1. What sound was that? Was that a smash or a thud?

2. Do I have insurance?

3. Can you buy insurance after it’s broken?

4. Oh please, please, please, please no.

5. I can’t look.

6. Why isn’t someone here to look for me?

7. If I ignore it and don’t pick it up, will it be like nothing ever happened?

8. What are the odds that my £2 case from Primark will actually protect my phone?

9. Why hasn’t anybody invented time travel?

10. What are scientists even doing with their time?

11. Maybe that’s a little harsh.

12. How much money do I currently have in my bank account?

13. Steve Jobs, Saint of iPhones, please watch over me during this trying time.

14. IT’S OKAY. IT’S PERFECT. IT’S SO SO SO SO BEAUTIFUL. I WILL NEVER, EVER LET YOU OUT OF MY PALM AGAIN YOU SWEET, BEAUTIFUL CREATURE.

15. 25% battery. What is this?! I charged you, like, an hour ago you ASSHAT.

It’s time you started celebrating your period, guys. Sign up to bettybox RN and get all your tampons and pads, beauty products, sweet treats and loads more cool stuff delivered to your door, every single month. We know. It’s totally awesome. 

Every. Single. Time. RIP, best white towel.

1. I really cba to shower.

2. Fine I’ll shower.

3. I am never leaving the shower. I am at one with the water.

4. Where’s my shaver?

5. Over the other side of the bathroom. Of course it is.

*gingerly gets out of shower and leans to grab razor, nearly slipping and making the bath sound like it’s farting, you know the one*

6. La, la, la, this is easy, I can barely feel the blade on my legs.

7. Why are the hairs under my arm so much thicker?

8. What is the meaning of life? Why are we here? What am I doing on this planet..?

9. I love showers.

*looks down *

10. GOOD GOD.

11. Where did all this blood come from?! Who’s the culprit? SHOW YOURSELF.

12. Oh, my ankle, obviously. Not my uterus. Ankle.

13. That cut is TINY. I didn’t even FEEL IT.

14. I didn’t know there was so much blood in my ankle, isn’t it just bone?

15. This is ridiculous. Stop bleeding.

16. I’m never shaving my ankles again. They weren’t even hairy. I just like the thrill.

17. WHY ARE YOU STILL BLEEDING.

“Muuuuuuuuum…”

18. I’m going to be trapped here forever.

“MUUUUUUUUUUUUM…”

19. I’m bleeding out, aren’t I? I’m dying.

“MUUUUU- can I have a plaster, please? And can you pass me some towels? And get me some spinach, I need my iron levels back up.”

20. This plaster won’t stick, my skin’s wet.

21. Sorry Mum, I need to sacrifice this new white towel. RIP white towel, 2017-2017.

22. I can’t wait for cut to scab over. Picky pick pick.

*gets out and dries*

23. FFS I FORGOT TO SHAVE MY KNEES.

@louisejonesetc

It’s time you started celebrating your period, guys. Sign up to bettybox RN and get all your tampons and pads, beauty products, sweet treats and loads more cool stuff delivered to your door, every single month. We know. It’s totally awesome. 

To thine own selfie be true. Here are all the totally valid reasons you’ve almost definitely used for flipping that screen round…

1. You have new hair!

2. You have a new lipstick!

3. You have the same hair!

4. There is a cultural landmark just visible behind you.

5. There is a cultural landmark just off camera that you can totally tell people is there.

6. You are holding something adorable, and it hasn’t peed on you yet.

7. It is the first sunny day of the year.

8. It is the last sunny day of the year, maybe.

9. It is a cold and grey day, but people probably want to know how you feel about that.

10. It is Monday.

11. It is Saturday.

12. It is Wednesday.

13. You’re in a nice toilet.

14. You’re in a toilet that isn’t nice but has great lighting.

15. You tried a hat on.

16. You’re on a boat.

17. You’ve been crying really, really hard at a Christmas advert.

18. You’re with a pal!

19. You’re not with a pal but wishing you were.

20. You’re at a very boring family function.

21. There’s someone who might be a celebrity just behind your shoulder. You know, whassisface! From that thing!

22. There are beautiful autumn leaves.

23. There is snow.

24. You have an ice cream.

25. You just woke up.

26. You should be asleep.

27. You got a Starbucks.

28. You ate something that turned your tongue blue.

29. You have silly glasses on.

30. You have normal glasses on.

31. You’re teaching your nan how to use her new smartphone.

32. Somebody told you selfies were the work of the devil.

33. You’re experiencing an emotion.

34. You just noticed a filter you’ve never used before. Show me what you got, Stinson.

35. You’re near some amazing graffiti.

36. You’re near a colourful wall.

37. You’re near a brick wall.

38. You’re near any wall.

39. You’re alive! And you are fabulous.

It’s time you started celebrating your period, guys. Sign up to bettybox RN and get all your tampons and pads, beauty products, sweet treats and loads more cool stuff delivered to your door, every single month. We know. It’s totally awesome. 

Image: Manjit Thapp

1. Ohhhhh yeeeeaaah. Onesie on, under the covers, 15 minutes for a bedtime YouTube vid. #WINNING.

2. Urgh – should probs be doing something something super wellbeing-y instead shouldn’t I? Like writing in a gratitude journal, or meditating or something.

3. Well sorrynotsorry – my wellbeing is based on zoning out to makeup tutorials I’ll never be able to recreate.

4. What have you got for me then, Tanya Burr? An impossible 90s look with a brown lip that will make me look like I’ve just eaten a jar of peanut butter?

5. Mmmmm, peanut butter.

6. OK you’ve only got time for one, so think carefully. Do not waste it on something rubbish.

7. I wonder if T-Bear actually would be my wellbeing guru if I Snapchatted her about it enough times?

8. And also my personal eyebrow do-er. How can anybody be that good at eyebrows?

9. Why do they always recommend weird ‘How it’s made’ videos to me? I have literally never clicked on one. What even are they?  

15 minutes later 

10. Dammit!

11. OK that defo didn’t count as my actual choice. It was on The SCIENCE Channel for god’s sake, that’s basically homework.

12. OK, ONE more. But a useful one. Maybe a Niomi Smart ‘What I Eat in a Day?’  

13. Mmmm peanut butter.

14. Oh here – perfect. Zoella vlog about birth and Boxer dogs. Totally qualifies as useful since I may one day give birth. Or, even better, own a Boxer dog.

20 minutes later

15. Must convince mum to get us a Boxer dog.

16. Ok. Go to sleep.

17. BOXERS DOGS DRESSED AS FAST FOOD!  

5 minutes later

18. GO. TO. SLEEEEP.

19. BUT CATS DRESSED AS DOGS!

10 minutes later

20. How late is too late to WhatsApp the gang with this life-changing discovery?

21. It’s probs not even that late.

22. WHAT THE…?! OK. Turn it off.

23. Thing is… 11.37 isn’t a very round number to go to sleep on. I’ll just watch til 11.45. That way I’ll have been watching for a nice round hour, too. Which is way better for…. karma. And stuff.

24. Ooh prom outfit ideas. And prom is only seven months away so should probs already be planning anyway.

10 minutes into video

25. What was that Little Mix video about prom?

15 minutes of Little Mix videos later

26. God I wish I was in Little Mix. They’re so badass. And they seem such good friends. And they’re amazing at acapella…. Ooh!

25 minutes of Little Mix acapella compilations later

27. OMGI’msooootiiiiired.

28. Remember at the beginning when Perrie couldn’t dance? Should really rewatch their first video to truly appreciate how much she’s improved.

29. I can totally function on less than eight hours sleep. I bet Beyoncé only sleeps for like, five hours a night.

30. In fact, should probs go back through every Little Mix videos and develop some kind of comprehensive marking system to determine who’s the best member overall. Dance moves, vocals, hair flick, sassy strut etc.

45 minutes later

31. So Jesy. Jesy is queen.

32. Why has the screen gone weird?

33. Oh that’s right – because you’re watching with one eye.

34. Because the other one has given up and gone to sleep.  

35. Because it’s 01:10 in the morning.

36. If I was a YouTuber I wouldn’t need to go to sleep though, ‘cos I’d just be doing hauls for a living. Which can’t possibly be tiring.

37. Just how much do they make, do we think? Oh here we are: ‘World’s richest YouTube stars.’

5 minutes later

38. I could totes be the next Zoella.

Searches for ‘How to start a YouTube channel’

A gazillion minutes later…

39. How do they get the chocolatey glaze to look so shiny though? It’s like some weird delicious mirror…

40. GAR! It is 2.45am and you are watching cake-glazing videos.

41. You are literally going to die when your alarm goes off.

42. Wonder if I can legitimately ask for a bath full of chocolate glaze for my next birthday. Reckon mum might go for that. Waaay cheaper than a new phone.

Starts searching for ‘chocolate bath challenge’ vids

43. Four and a half hours sleep is totally doable for tomorrow. Beyonce’s clearly weak.

44. Oh my god, you have actually lost it. Turn it off. Turn. It. OFF.

45. OK. OK. Turning… it… DOGS AND CATS DRESSED AS LITTLE MIX!!

@LucindaEverett

It’s time you started celebrating your period, guys. Sign up to bettybox RN and get all your tampons and pads, beauty products, sweet treats and loads more cool stuff delivered to your door, every single month. We know. It’s totally awesome. 

Ok, ok… *almost* as satisfying. But in the long run far better for your face. 

1. Seeing your food coming in a restaurant.

2. Your fave artist dropping a surprise new album.

3. Finding a fiver in your pocket.

4. Finding a tenner in your pocket.

5. Your cold clearing up for a solid 30 seconds so you can actually taste your food.

6. Waking up in a panic then realising it’s the weekend.

7. Stepping on really crunchy leaves.

8. Your phone dutifully staying on 1% battery until you get home.

9. Two chocolate bars falling out of the vending machine.

10. Finding free public WiFi.

11. Tweezing out an ingrown hair.

12. Your favourite TV series being renewed for another season.

13. The person you fancy texting back STRAIGHT AWAY?!

14. Having a really good poo.

15. Getting bettybox through the post! *ahem*

16. 7 Chicken McNuggets.

17. 7 Mini Jaffa Cakes.

18. Finishing your shower just as the hot water runs out.   

19. All your TV shows scheduling perfectly one after the other in the evening.

20. Everyone around the table saying ‘yes’ to seeing the dessert menu.

21. The dog trotting towards you so you don’t have to make the first ‘can I pet your dog please’ move.

22. Seeing a dog.

23. Dogs.

24. Snow day at school.

25. Finding a secluded spot and finally pulling your tights back up.

26. Getting the window seat on a train/plane.

27. Peeling off dried glue on your hands.

28. Bubble wrap. Obv.

@louisejonesetc

It’s time you started celebrating your period, guys. Sign up to bettybox RN and get all your tampons and pads, beauty products, sweet treats and loads more cool stuff delivered to your door, every single month. We know. It’s totally awesome. 

Image: Getty