A new beauty look! What could be simpler? Oh right – everything, everything is simpler…
OK, make-up gods. You’d better be up there. And you’d better actually be listening this time.
‘Cos last time I tried a new look – you know, that time I drew on freckles and was immediately escorted to the school nurse with suspected chicken pox – I don’t feel like you exactly had my back.
I mean, you could have sent me some kind of sign that using mum’s dark red lipliner instead of forking out for a brown eyeliner would definitely NOT be totally fine. I can only assume you were off watching Netflix or something.
So, pay attention this time. Because I am about to attempt something REVOLUTIONARY with my face. And this time it’s going to be amazing.
I’ve got two whole hours before Jamie’s party, a tonne of YouTube tutorials loaded, T-Swift on for support. What could possibly go wrong?
I mean, yeah, there’s the teeny, tiiiiiinyyyy, not-even-a-real-issue-really issue of not having any of the right products or tools. But hey, I’m in the Girl Guides. And who was it that fixed Anna’s skirt right before school photos with only a paper clip and some chewing gum? If there’s one thing I know how to do, it’s improvise. By the time I’m done, this face is going to look so beyond on fleek they’re going to have to come up with a new hashtag just for me.
And if not, well… mucking about with all this stuff for a couple of hours is more fun than what’s going downstairs. Wonder how long Mum is going to last teaching Great Granny to do internet banking before she hurls the laptop out of the window? LOVE that she turned up with her swimming cossie, in case surfing the web involved actual surfing.
Wonder how long it’d take mum to hurl Great Granny out the window if she could pick her up?
So, anyway… what to try?
Maybe an Arianna Grande cat-eye flick? Hmmm but then I’d feel like I had to copy the rest of her look too. And where am I going to get that many hair extensions at this time on a Saturday afternoon?
And, I mean, she rocks it and everything, but is it just me that thinks she looks a liiittle bit like she’s stolen an actual pony’s tail and stitched it to her head? How does her tiny head even support that kind of weight?
Nope. I don’t have the neck muscles to deal with that all night. Especially when I’m going to be pulling some seriously killer dance moves. So maybe… Ooh! Bronze smoky eye with glowy skin. Perfect.
Man this is going to look so awesome. Am going to need to plan a suitably dramatic entrance.
OK, so foundation. Don’t have any of that. Good start. Tinted moisturiser will have to do.
Hmmm it doesn’t say anything about glowy on it.
*Searching through make up bag*
Maybe my entrance could involve someone wheeling me in on an exercise bike like Arianna in the Side to Side video.
AHA! I have a glitter lip balm! And glittery is kind of glowy. Mix a bit of those two together on the back of my hand…
(I am soooo profesh mixing stuff on the back of my hand. Tanya Burr would be super proud.)
And… VOILA! Glowy foundation! OK, apply with a damp beauty blender sponge. Don’t have one of those either.
I reckon a washing up sponge cut into the shape of an egg would probs work? OK, off I go. Right, no sponges. A dish cloth will have to do.
Hmmm… that doesn’t really seem like enough coverage. Not really getting the ‘glow’ factor… Second layer I reckon…
Should probably take my makeup bag along to the party. Everyone is going to want in on this look once they– WOAH! OK. Second layer was a mistake.
Definitely a mistake.
Look like a glittery alien. Great.
Although… kind of an AWESOME glittery alien on second thoughts. I’m sort of… rocking this! Who knew? OK – glittery alien foundation stays!
Eyebrows. Urgh. Still can’t do mine without them looking like deranged caterpillars. Alright Michelle Phan. Where’s your ‘Mastering the art of Eyebrows’ video?
How can she be so weird yet so mesmerising at the same time? It’s that voice… she’s like some beautiful sparkly robot from outer space. Oh my god Michelle Phan is a glittery alien too! KNEW I was a trendsetter!
NO, FOCUS! Eyebrows. So a light hand is key, appazza.
Light ha- actually, do you know what? They’re fine. They’re FINE as they are!
Eyes. Wonder if Jamie has an exercise bike at his house somewhere? And if there’s anyone who’d be willing to be one of my roll-er-in-er-ers.
How has an hour gone already?! Urgh. This was supposed to be fun. If it takes any more than ten minutes from now I’m having a pre-party dance session instead. So. ‘Sweep a light gold colour all of over the lid with a flat brush’.
Ok. I have a brush….
*Hits it a few times with a school textbook*
A flat brush! So… sweeping… sweeping… perfect! I am basically NikkieTutorials.
‘Blend a darker bronze colour into the socket line’. OK, this shimmery brown I got free with that magazine will do. Blending blending blending…
(Wonder if people still get scouted on the street to become models? Shame mum’s driving me to Jamie’s. Otherwise I’d defo get stopped).
Blending blendi– ARGH!! Abort blending! ABORT BLENDING!! Too much brown!! Noooo! Glittery PANDA alien? That’s a bit too far, even for a trendsetter like me.
OK don’t panic. Think. What would the Pixiwoos do? THINK!! No wait, don’t think – YouTube it. The modern way.
Face wipes! Of course! Like wondrous, aloe vera-scented time machines! There we are. Like nothing ever happened.
OK so let’s just leave the leftover goldy bit there and slap some mascara on. Mascara I can do.
Well look at that. Pretty damn fierce if you ask me.
But the girl in this picture has such cute freckles… NO. Put the lipliner DOWN. Maybe some statement red lippy?
Ok… Slow and steady… slow and stead– ARGH!
Why did anyone create little brothers?! And how do they always know the worst possible time to burst into your room waving a plastic weapon? Should definitely have intercepted the brother-making process somehow.
BLEURGH! Have just realised what that would involve and now cannot unsee it.
And now I’ve got a stupid clown mouth, too. And it’s lip stain. It’s never coming off. Total DISASTER.
I mean it could work… it TOTALLY could…
Watch out world! Here comes my amazing new look: glittery alien meets Miranda Sings.