It happens to the best of us – we fill our drawers, bags, pockets and cabinets with everything we need to prepare for our periods, but every so often we get caught out, just because it’s a couple of days early, we’re not at home and we’re wearing the wrong coat. Here’s what goes through our minds, once we’ve finished silently screaming “Noooooooo!”
1. WHY? Why am I so disorganised? My life would be so different if I remembered, and got up before 7AM to make healthy lunch salads, and liked herbal tea more than hot chocolate, and meditated. Why don’t I sew them inside the lining of my jacket? Like they probably did during the war?
2. Actually, what did they use during war time? Were they rationed?
3. Were they…knitted? I suppose they’d be quite easy to knit. You’d unpick your husband’s suits, while he was away fighting, making do, being brave on the home front…
4. Urghhhh. The chafing, though.
5. It’s probably not long until we can have them airlifted to us, by drone, the second we need them. I am not disorganised. I am merely evolving slightly ahead of technology.
6. Still, that would be a bit awkward, the sound of a very noisy drone flying overhead while you’re in the loo. Although the person pooing in the next cubicle might be grateful.
7. I can picture the lovely tampons in my bathroom. A whole, fresh packet, singing with availability and newness! Maybe I can teleport one here using the power of my mind. Like Matilda.
8. So I am not Matilda. Still, it is better to be slightly uncomfortable and not have magical powers than to have superhuman abilities, horrible parents and a headmistress who might lock me in a spiky cupboard.
9. Imagine getting your period in The Chokey. The period would probably be frightened back into your uterus.
10. I really fancy some of Bruce Bogtrotter’s cake, though.
11. It’s OK, I just need to do a crab scuttle to the toilets and use wadded up loo roll. Although didn’t that girl from Year 11 have a cousin who did that at a festival and got toxic shock syndrome?
12. Oh, no, she was the one who had six cans of Red Bull and tried to run up the side of a Portaloo.
13. I wonder whether I should get special knickers that would absorb the period, for emergencies like this.
14. Or a commode, like a Queen. If men had periods, Henry VIII would have invented something long ago that meant no-one had to get up or move for the entire week.
15. I’ll just check my pocket. I have 19 Polos, from six different packets, some old tissues and a broken bit of key ring.
16. Oooh, and a lip balm!
17. I don’t remember this lip balm, the packaging feels a bit odd. Actually, it feels a bit like…
18. Ah. Ahahahahahahaha! I knew I wasn’t that disorganised!
19. Quite glad I didn’t ruin the lining of my jacket, now I think about it.
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