Body hair. It causes more social drama than an episode of EastEnders.

And all the shouting and opinions and ‘YOU AIN’T MY MUVVA’s can make you feel super confused at the pile of pubes you’ve now adopted, or your leg hair that seems to be growing darker and darker. What’s normal? Can you keep it? Or should it GET OUTTA MA PUB? (I’m not sure how long the EastEnders references are going to last, sorry.)

Firstly, let’s lay down the golden rules when it comes to YOUR body hair. Ahem. It is totally ok if you:

Don’t want to shave/wax/trim etc!

Not bothered by the hair on your body? Don’t get the fuss? That’s ok! Your body is yours and the hair on it is totally normal and healthy. If you don’t care about your fanny bush or fuzzy armpit then you leave it alone and stick two fingers up to the haters.

Want to shave/wax/trim etc!

Armpit hair too itchy? Leg hair too dark? Don’t like your pubes? That’s ok! You can remove your body hair as long as you’re doing it for the right reasons. But your friends making comments in the P.E. changing rooms about you not shaving your legs, or your boyfriend/girlfriend saying you’re weird and dirty for keeping your pubes, aren’t the right reasons. Only change your body for you and nobody else.

So that’s that sorted. But what about the hair that’s not on your legs, fanny, or armpit? The hair that lurks but no one talks about? The tuft that’s appeared on your big toe or the sole, lonely long hair that’s sticking proudly from your left nipple? Is THAT normal?! Well…

1. Hairy toes?

Yep. Normal. Toes get hairy, which apparently is a sign of good circulation! So if you can plait your toe hair then your heart is probably doing a good job. Be proud.

2. Hairy nipples?

Totally normal. It’s very common to have a hair or two growing around your nipples. Like most things, you can probably blame hormones. It’s unlikely that many people are going to see them, or care, but if you do want to get rid then a gentle pluck will do.

3. Facial hair?

Normal, almost all of the time. While men are basically encouraged to rock a hipster beard, it can feel like a girl’s worst nightmare to have hair growing on their face (spot the inequality!). But whether it’s upper lip, between the eyebrows, or on your chin, it happens. Usually it’s just who you are – but sometimes a lot of face hair can be due to hormonal imbalances, so if it seems extreme or is really bothering you, get yourself to your GP.

4. Hairy eyebrows?

So normal. Some people’s eyebrows are super thin and some are super thick, and what’s socially acceptable and trendy changes every damn day. Eyebrows can be cool to play with and style, but never think that yours are naturally weird or abnormal. And never wax or shave them off completely off… believe me. You don’t wanna do that.

5. Snail trail?

Funnily enough, normal! Snail trails, the hair that can run from your belly button to your fanny, aren’t just guy property. #Equality

6. Dark hair?

Normal. The colour of your body hair will totally depend on your DNA. If you have super dark hair that steals the limelight, or super pale hair that makes your eyebrows redundant, then you can probably blame your parents. Whatever the colour, it’s normal to you.

7. Hairy bum?

Unfortunately, normal. We’re not talking about the long hairs that get trapped in your bum crack after a shower, we’re talking about actual hair that grows in said bum crack. It’s a misconception that your pubes only grow on your mons pubis (the area above your vulva – Google it). They grow in ALL THE AREAS down below. You can get rid of it if you want to, but please be careful! Shaving down there can be tricky, blind, and VERY PAINFUL IF YOU GET IT WRONG.

8. Pubey thighs?

Argh, sorry. Normal. As above, your pubes can grow in ALL THE AREAS and that can include your thighs. Yeah. We know. Thankfully these pubes tend to not be as thick and wiry as your fanny pubes so are soft and less noticeable, which also makes them more easy to get rid of – if you so wish.

So, there you have it. Body hair. More often than not, totally 100% normal.

*gasp. dramatic look. DUFF DUFF DUFFDUFFDUFF DUFFDUFFDUFFDUFF. theme tune. credits roll*

@louisejonesetc

Image: Kate Forster

Here are some things that count as ‘showing off’: loudly telling everyone your mock results when they didn’t ask. Doing perfect cartwheels during hockey practice. Instagrams from your beach holiday when you know it’s raining back home.

Here’s something that doesn’t count as ‘showing off’: lifting up your arm when there is some entirely natural hair underneath it. Nope. Not even a little bit. That’s called, well, lifting your arm up when there’s some perfectly natural hair underneath it. Ipso facto, Lourdes Leon isn’t ‘showing off’ her underarm hair any more than I’m showing off my elbows by wearing a t-shirt. Or showing off my nose by… having a nose.

But we’re all agreed on that, aren’t we? Because we’re all cool with the fact that bodies have hair in all kinds of places, and that it’s 100% up to us whether we choose to get rid of it or embrace it tenderly. Shave it, wax it, trim it, grow it, plait it, glitter it, or just let it do its sweet thing.

Sadly though, certain corners of the British media are still playing catch up as far as being chill about women’s bodies goes. And so when Madonna’s daughter went on a lovely beach holiday this week, she made headlines in loads of tabloid papers for ‘flaunting’, ‘parading’ and yep, ‘showing off’ her unshaven pits on the beach. Boring, guys. We are bored.

Lourdes

Instead let’s take a moment to salute Madonna Junior for following in her mum’s iconic footsteps – by not giving a s**t, doing her own thing, and being fantastically hirsute while she does it. Besides, Lourdes, you’re just saving yourself a load of painful shaving cuts. And nobody has time for this kind of hassle.

Images: Instagram.com/lourdesmariacicconeleon

Every. Single. Time. RIP, best white towel.

1. I really cba to shower.

2. Fine I’ll shower.

3. I am never leaving the shower. I am at one with the water.

4. Where’s my shaver?

5. Over the other side of the bathroom. Of course it is.

*gingerly gets out of shower and leans to grab razor, nearly slipping and making the bath sound like it’s farting, you know the one*

6. La, la, la, this is easy, I can barely feel the blade on my legs.

7. Why are the hairs under my arm so much thicker?

8. What is the meaning of life? Why are we here? What am I doing on this planet..?

9. I love showers.

*looks down *

10. GOOD GOD.

11. Where did all this blood come from?! Who’s the culprit? SHOW YOURSELF.

12. Oh, my ankle, obviously. Not my uterus. Ankle.

13. That cut is TINY. I didn’t even FEEL IT.

14. I didn’t know there was so much blood in my ankle, isn’t it just bone?

15. This is ridiculous. Stop bleeding.

16. I’m never shaving my ankles again. They weren’t even hairy. I just like the thrill.

17. WHY ARE YOU STILL BLEEDING.

“Muuuuuuuuum…”

18. I’m going to be trapped here forever.

“MUUUUUUUUUUUUM…”

19. I’m bleeding out, aren’t I? I’m dying.

“MUUUUU- can I have a plaster, please? And can you pass me some towels? And get me some spinach, I need my iron levels back up.”

20. This plaster won’t stick, my skin’s wet.

21. Sorry Mum, I need to sacrifice this new white towel. RIP white towel, 2017-2017.

22. I can’t wait for cut to scab over. Picky pick pick.

*gets out and dries*

23. FFS I FORGOT TO SHAVE MY KNEES.

@louisejonesetc