Why do phones have to be so totally needy? If you don’t plug them in every five minutes, that “low battery” warning is just gonna keep flashing in your face until the cold, hard dread hits: you are literally moments away from being out of comms. Here’s 48 kinda crazy thoughts that could rush through your about-to-be-offline brain.
1. Wait. 4%. It said 23% like two seconds ago. What? How? I can’t even.
2. Whyyyy didn’t I charge it before I got on the bus?!
3. I knew I shouldn’t have updated Insta.
4. And spent all that time messing about with Snapchat filters.
5. And done my whole make up looking in the front camera.
6. And watched the new PointlessBlog on YouTube.
7. And made a “BFs forevs” collage and Whatsapped it to my mates.
8. OK, OK, I get it. No wonder my phone is hot enough to cook a waffle. Well done little guy, you actually got quite a lot done with that 19% of battery.
9. Maybe this next 4% will last ages! I’ll just stop watching videos and it’ll probably be fine until I get home.
10. I wonder how long that’ll take. Best just check on Maps.
11. 25 minutes. Can 4% last 25 minutes? There must be some kind of equation I can do to work this out.
12. 3% BATTERY?! WHAT?? Measly Maps used up a whole percent? I’m never opening that app again.
13. Better save some juice in case I get any VIP messages. I’ll dim the screen. (I wish I meant from some super-hottie who just HAS to get in touch. What I actually mean is from Mum. She has zero tolerance for slow replies).
14. The screen’s gone black! It’s dead! I’m dying!
15. Maybe my phone’s actually broken. Death would be sweet relief.
16. Oh, it’s back. I think I just blinked.
17. Right, that’s it, I just won’t touch it at all. That’s totally cool. I’ll just pop it in my bag and look out of the window.
18. Oh look, a bird. This is what people used to do in the olden days: look at birds out of windows. I’m a birdspotter! Or it is birdwatcher? I should call and ask Granddad, he’s into that kind of thing.
19. Nope, that’s not worth risking 1%. Not important!
20. I wonder what kind of bird it is though. That’s important. That’s educational. I’ll just quickly check.
21. Stop – no Googling! Think “Olden days” and work it out. It’s grey and it’s eating a bit of kebab: it’s probably a pigeon or a seagull. Look out, David Attenborough.
22. Hmm. What DO people think about when they don’t have their phone?
23. My hand feels weird. My thumb aches.
24. Ummm… my family? I could think about them. I wonder if Auntie Julie has posted anything on Facebook recently. Probably some cartoon about her kids making her want to drink gin and a “Click here to get a £50 Tesco voucher” link.
25. I’m worried about Auntie Julie. Someone needs to tell her about scams. I’ll text her.
26. NO! No texting. Don’t even touch that bad boy.
27. OK. What about Ed Sheeran – I wonder what that guy is doing right now. I would check his Insta but I can’t, which is totally fine. He’s probably sitting in his bedroom writing a song.
I could write a song. Something about the agony and heartache of only having 3% battery on your phone.
28. Maybe it’s recharged itself a little bit. That can happen, right? I’ll just tap it quickly to check.
29. 2%! What is this painful existence they call life? Why would this happen to me?
30. Oh yeah. Cos I didn’t charge my phone earlier.
31. I should probably text Mum to warn her about this developing sitch.
32. Maybe I should change my Whatsapp status too. There are probably loads of people wondering why I haven’t replied to their messages. Should I Snap as well?
33. Isn’t there some magical way of charging your phone without electricity? You plug it into a lemon or a potato or something.
34. If only I had a lemon or a potato.
35. If I had enough battery, I could be doing my homework right now. I could be planning a holiday. I could be tweeting the Prime Minister about getting plug sockets installed on all buses. I could be writing a song. I could have been the new, female Ed Sheeran: Edie Sheeran. I could’ve been a millionaire. What a waste of youth and talent.
36. Maybe I should get off the bus and find somewhere to plug it in. Could I walk into a corner shop and ask them to charge it? What about a fish and chip shop? Is it OK to knock on someone’s door and ask to use their electricity? I could say it’s an emergency.
37. No, no and NO! I’m not going to die if I don’t have my phone for another 15 minutes.
38. I don’t think I will, anyway.
39. Has anyone ever died from their phone running out of battery? If only there was some way to check. Sob.
40. Get a grip, girl. Life is so busy these days. Maybe I should see this time as a gift: time to sit, relax and reflect on what is important to me.
41. Is this mindfulness? Am I meditating right now? I always knew I was one of those calm, spiritual people, deep down.
42. I’m feeling kinda zen. I’m going to do some yoga as soon as I get home.
43. I wonder if ASOS sell t-shirts that say anything about being totally zen. I’ll just check.
EXCEPT I CAN’T because my phone’s almost dead.
44. Well done, you meditated for like, 4 seconds before thinking about your phone.
45. I’ll just have a quick peek at that battery. And just check if anyone’s messaged me. Or Insta-ed me. Or Snapped me.
46. Still 2%! Yes! Come on, little guy.
47. Noooooo! The screen is black! The spinning wheel of doom! What happened to those last precious percents?
48. Mum is going to go mental.
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Image: Project Mc2