1. So, you, like, don’t eat meat?

No. That’s what the word means.

Although… you eat fish so I’m technically a pescetarian but you tend just to say vegetarian because otherwise you sound like a twat.

2. Oh, so you’re not a *real* vegetarian then? 

*Under your breath*: Oh god, here we go…

No, you’re am one of those half breeds. The mud-blood of vegetarianism. The Cockapoo of dietary requirements. You are not worthy of your respect and to prove that, you will accept the ridiculous title of ‘pescetarian’.

3. Do you eat cheese and onion crisps through? Because THEY have animal product in them.

This one is particularly annoying because while five seconds ago, they were annoyed about your vegetarianism, they are now positively enraged that you have such poor moral judgement. “YOU EAT JELLY?!” They cry, as they take a bite into their lamb laksa. Like, dude, you’re eating a baby sheep, and that’s totally fine, but tone down the judgement, ok?

4. Wait, did you say you ate jelly? You know jelly has gelatin in it, right? 

Yes, you do. Because you are a terrible vegetarian and an awful human. You also eat Parmesan. And wear leather shoes. I know, I know, you deserve to die in the fiery pits of hell.

5. But, whyyyyy?

There is no right answer to this question. Not one. If you say that you are concerned about animal rights and you think that the way we transport meat is bad for the environment, then… Oh, ok, yep, now they’re looking at you like you’re insane.

Or if you say, ‘Oh, I just don’t really like meat,’ which leads to…

6. What?! You don’t like meat?!

No, because you’re a mutant who also doesn’t like puppies or baby hedgehogs (what? They’re cute) and you never cry when you’re watching the Titanic. You always cry when you watch The Titanic.

7. So you’re not “one of those” vegetarians?

See, now you’re a vegetarian again. It’s so confusing.

8. What about chicken though?

Well, chickens are traditionally seen as animals…so…um…yeah….not so much of the chicken. Or chicken stock. Or beef stock. And before you ask, yes wafer thin ham does count as meat. Your life is officially more ridiculous than the scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

9. But what about Christmas?

When people say this, they’re not actually talking about Christmas, they’re talking about turkey. Like when people say they “having a funny tummy,” they don’t mean their stomach has suddenly developed a wicked sense of humour.  There has never been a conversation had between a vegetarian (ok, ok pescatarian) and a non-vegetarian that hasn’t at some point included a discussion about turkey.

10. How long have you been a vegetarian for?

If you say less than two years, people will dismiss this as “a phase”, like hooped earrings or a full moon. If you say anything over two years they will look at you with something bordering on respect before adding, “You know, I was a vegetarian once,” or often, “I thought about being a vegetarian once,” for which you must politely say, “Oh, really!” as if it’s an even mildly interesting fact.

After this conversation you’ll feel like a lie down. And maybe a plate of a bacon.


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Christmas is a-coming, and we all know what the means… FOOD!* But what do you eat on Christmas Day if you’re veggie? A plate of overcooked side dishes? A slab of supermarket dry-as-an-old-boot nut roast? Marmite on toast? Not if we have anything to do with it.

Here are eight totally delicious, show-stopping veggie and vegan Christmas Day dinner suggestions that’ll have the meat-eaters crying over their tough old turkey…

*And family, little baby Jesus and goodwill to all men too. Obvs.

Vegducken stuffed squash vegan roast

But seriously, have you ever seen anything quite so beautiful? No, neither have we! This ambitious dish is a vegan take on the traditional meaty turducken (a very vegan-unfriendly chicken stuffed in a duck stuffed in a turkey), and is sure to impress your IG followers. Because that’s what Christmas is all about, right?

 Parsnip, chestnut and sage wreath

Food doesn’t get much more Christmassy than this veg-fest shaped like a wreath. If this recipe tastes half as good as it looks, it’ll be a winner winner veggie Christmas dinner!

Layered veggie burger pies

If you like food encased in pastry (and quite frankly, who doesn’t?), then this could be your dream Christmas Day main. These homemade veggie burgers, sitting on a bed of wholegrain mustard and topped with a creamy herb sauce, are basically a beef Wellington’s veggie cousin. And unlike your actual cousin, we reckon it’d get on excellently with everyone else at the table (ie. the trimmings).

Sweet potato, chestnut and stilton pie

Just the thought of tucking into this beast of a double-carb main makes us feel ready for a nap – which is basically what we look for from food on Christmas Day. Get in!

Deluxe vegan butternut macaroni ‘n’ tease

We don’t care what the foodie question – mac ‘n’ cheese (or in this case, macaroni ‘n’ tease) is always the answer. We promise you, if you pop this on the dinner table come Christmas Day, the meat eaters in your life won’t be able to resist digging in. You’ve been warned.

Vegan cranberry nut loaf

Cranberry Nut Loaf ~ Vegan, Gluten-Free ⛄️ I've adapted my original recipe a little this year. This is also free from added salt, oil or refined sugars. I don't worry too much on Christmas Day, as long as everything's vegan 👍 but this happens to be very tasty without the extra refined ingredients. Recipe on my blog, link in profile 💛 I hope everyone is not stressing too much this festive season, try and find time to relax and recharge. It's so important. Something I've been doing that's totally changed my day, is waking up and going for a walk first thing in the morning before I eat breakfast. It's a wonderful relaxing way to start the day and I get it an extra little bit of exercise before I eat. Okay, off to work on an extra special Christmas dessert!

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We know, we know, it’s a nut roast! But this isn’t just any old nut loaf. This is a show-stopping vegan cranberry nut loaf, which also happens to be gluten-free, so basically covers all the bases. Tick, tick, tick.

Moroccan spiced pie

Jane Gay's Morrocan Pie: spesh for the stupid veggie. Perfect mum. #veggiechristmas

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If you fancy throwing out the rule book and going for something altogether more exotic on Christmas Day, then this Moroccan spiced pie is just the ticket. Combining cranberries, pistachio nuts and cinnamon, it has many of the trad Crimbo flavours, but just in a slightly jazzier package.

Porcini and chestnut wreath roasts

If mushrooms are your thing, then these mini porcini wreaths will totally tick your Crimbo lunch boxes. They also come with a recipe for creamy porcini & parsley gravy, which we’re thinking we’d like to drink straight, as shots. Just us?

Merry meat-free Christmas, everyone!


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Image: Getty